this little bug

another hard one, I'm begining to think that they don't get any easier... I went to the beach today, by myself just to sit and read my books, get out of this little town and sit before God's creation. The ocean is so big, I really love being there its untainted, raw... you get what you get. Well, I dont think my choice of beach was very good, too many memories. and couples... oh the couples! they are EVERYWHERE... holding hands, gazing at each other... makes me sad. so I sat, read more of Debi Pearl, learned more about the kind of wife I desire to be, but then I start to feel hopesless again, the enemy comes in feeds me lies and the sinking in my heart feels like a million pounds. Good thing I had my huge white sun glasses on... I probably looked like a mental case sitting in full clothing on the beach, with books spread out before me, bawling. goodness me.
well, I was feeling pretty terrible, then this little lady bug flew onto my wedding ring... my whole entire life I have always known that when you get the chance to pick up a lady bug, hold it in your hand make a wish and let it fly away, if it flies your wish will come true... so I looked at the little lady bug, chuckled, closed my eyes, made my wish and it flew away... ok people, so the rest of my life is riding on a lady bug!
not so much...
but.
God reminded me of my scripture for this week in my patience book... Romans 12:11-12 "Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer..."

I guess im seeing more of that microwave fast mentality I have.. oh big daddy grandfather clock... Today I barely got by... tomorrow is new. Im learning and growing and waiting on the Lord.

learning. im a jerk

Dissolution- "the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership..."

This word breaks my heart. it shouldn't be H vs. H... I look at that and it makes my stomach sick. I hear the word and tears start to well up. I find myself asking God, please just stop it, make it go away, fix it... begging.

"In time you will see it as such a blessing (this time of patience) that if you had your whole life to live over again, you would not leave this painful season out."

as hard as things are right now, I wouldn't leave this part out, maybe I would go back and take back what I did, but this painful waiting, being patient, walking by faith and not by sight, I wouldn't leave it out. I have learned and am, and will continue to learn SO much. I am learning about the kind of husband I have and what kind of wife he needs, seeing all of the areas I really sucked at, knowing that besides the one action that got me here, all of the many other things I did that were way off.

I'm learning there are three types of men God has made, and our men have a little of all three but are more dominate in just one... There is the Commander, the Visionary and the Steady man, you see, I was blessed with a steady man, in my opinion they are the best! They are hard workers, easy going, strong, dedicated and really only want to please their wives... They can be indecisive,very gentle and can lack the ability to have deep conversations... I see how he had some of these and how they drove me NUTS.
For example; lets say we needed a new coffee pot, I would go to the store, pick one out that would look good on the counter do what I need and bam! new coffee pot, he, however, would go to 3 different stores, compare prices, how much coffee will fit in one, the temperature range, visit the stores maybe twice before making his final purchase... I would always get irritated with that, now a coffee pot might be an exaggerated example, but you get my drift. I didn't realize that his indecisiveness is actually cautious wisdom... what a blessing to have a man that will consider our finances before making purchases, who will really look and decide if it is a need or a want... I wish I wouldn't have taken that for granted, I wish I would've started to appreciate that, and encourage him to walk in that... how amazing would it be to watch that mature and develop over time...

or his emotions... I always felt like i was "hurting" his feelings... I would say or do things that would really truly hurt his feelings, well to me it wasn't something worth getting your feelings hurt over so I would constantly ride it off, disregard his feelings... how sad. I feel awful for that, those were my husbands feelings, and regardless of what I think of them, if they are legit or not, they are his and I was hurting them. I wish i could go back and apologise for all of the times I disregarded his feelings.

I'm learning that God made the man to be in control for a reason! Debi Pearl puts it good when she says this... "If women were the inventors, they would make minivans..." This is so true, women, or ME, I make decisions based on my feelings and emotions, and we all know feelings and emotions are SO fleeting, here one minute gone the next.... God made men to be logical, so that they could lead their wives and their families.. its not women's job to do, it wasn't MY job. even if they make mistakes, LET them... and dont beat them down when they do, support encourage and love unconditionally no matter what.

I'm seeing that I always wanted things MY way... I always knew a better way of doing things, a faster more efficient way to "get it done"... no wonder he felt frustrated and belittled... he could never do it right. I am learning I was a wretch of a wife. Who cares that he wants to leave his coffee cup upside down on the counter and rarely wash it!! let him, its NOT A BIG DEAL. I got so upset over little things, things that don't matter. I was so selfish. I didn't want to go do certain things because I didn't like to do that or that was "his" thing... I can go on a bike ride, i can go camping, i can go take a mini hike in the hills... Now I would give ANYTHING to do those things, because its time spent with the man that I love... its not about me.

I know this is very transparent, like I said, I'm using this as a thought journal to track what I'm learning, it actually helps my hands because they cramp really bad when i write... so that's good.
I dont know what God will do, I'm waiting and praying asking him to give me another chance, Its like God is turning on the wife light in my head "ding!" but it might be too late. I'm still hopeful still praying, God can do anything in 6 months!

if you havent read this book "Created to be his help meet" by Debi Pearl, go to Barnes and noble right now and get it. it is amazing. she is harsh and true and totally on target.

Please keep him in your prayers, God is so big and can do anything! please pray.

Black Hole

Today is hard day, like most. Somedays I am filled with so much hope and faith, that I can take all of the rejection and harsh words and look at them as things that are coming out of hurt and anger, I can forgive them as they are spoken. Other days, like today, are just plain old hard. God opened my eyes more this morning to see more of his hurt... I feel so awful, I feel like I should be locked away in a cave from the world. I hurt God's son, his little boy, I broke his heart, destroyed his trust, and have caused so much pain in his life. I did that. I began to pray and just ask God to forgive me for hurting his child. Today is the kind of day where I feel like the biggest pile of dog crap. I would do anything, give anything to go back and change it, take it back. I know I cant. I know this is not a nightmare. I know these are reprocussions of my action. Im trying to have hope, to have patience, to have faith like a mustardseed, but its hard. This is one of the days where I am not the perfect picture of patience. Its a day where I feel like maybe the outcome im dreding will not come, well, maybe it will... maybe there is no hope. God reminds me that I committed, just like Noah, just like Hannah how they waited on the Lord, and I am still committed, but today my walk is with my head down and my shoulders slumped over. Its just a sad day, just a plain old sad day.

hope for the hopeless

This is a story I read from crosswalk.com this morning, it really encouraged me, it's sort of long but worth the read!



A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. Ruth Bell Graham

Ever since she was a little girl, Tracey had dreamed of this day. And now it was finally here! Her dress . . . a long classic-style princess dress of beautiful white silk . . . and she was marrying her prince––her best friend, Mark. All that was missing were the horses and carriage. She couldn’t imagine anything more wonderful than this treasured day!

Since they both loved the ocean, and her groom was an avid windsurfer, their wedding reception overlooked Key Biscayne’s beautiful beach and featured lots of conch shells and white orchids. For their first dance, they affectionately embraced as they slowly swayed to the lyrics, “When I give my heart, it will be forever . . .” Oh, how wonderful to be Mrs. Mark Russell!

Tracey was still shaking rice from her hair and veil as they drove away from their picture-perfect wedding when she playfully turned toward the driver’s seat with a beaming smile for her new husband; she caught the vestiges of a bewildered expression on his face before he turned his attention back to the road.

Mark hadn’t returned her smile, and as she watched him covertly for the next several minutes, she sensed that something wasn’t right. It must be newlywed jitters, she thought, and inwardly shook her head.

She and Mark had met at their church youth group in ninth grade. Mark had immediately liked her, but they didn’t officially start dating until they were seniors in high school. After going separate ways to attend college, they were drawn back together after Mark graduated with a degree in engineering.

Though Tracey had experienced many good and bad relationships before, out of all the other relationships she had experienced, Mark was exactly the kind of man she had hoped to marry. She knew there are always some ups and downs in a marriage, but she had expected theirs to be full of intimacy and passion. Their honeymoon turned out to be a far cry from her expectation. Instead, Tracey felt like she was trapped in a room with a total stranger their first night together. She couldn’t believe it when he sat down on the opposite couch instead of cozying up to her like he normally did.

Tracey’s wedding night was one of the loneliest of her life. As Mark pulled away from her in bed, she mentally searched the events of the day to see if she could have said or done something to offend her new groom. But nothing came to mind. She finally fell asleep with the thought, He’s probably just exhausted from the wedding and will be back to himself in the morning.

The next morning, the awkward silence of the night before continued to build as she and Mark packed to leave their hotel suite for their long-anticipated Caribbean cruise. On ship, in their cabin suite, Tracey finally mustered enough courage to ask, “Honey, what’s wrong?”

Mark’s long pause before replying didn’t prepare her to hear, “Tracey, I don’t think we should have gotten married.”

“What?” Tracey said instinctively. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe. The walls of the cabin seemed to be closing in on her.

“I think we made a mistake,” Mark said matter-of-factly.

Tracey couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Was this just his idea of a poorly timed joke?! Feeling like a freight train had just run over her heart, Tracey couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. She ran outside to the ship’s deck and grasped the rail. In two short, thoughtless sentences, her prince had shattered her dreams.

She turned her head to the right and to the left and saw happy couples everywhere. Nowhere to run . . . After a long time, she returned to the cabin, not wanting to face Mark. He offered her an apology: “Tracey, I’m sorry you feel like that.” But instead of fondly caressing her and reassuring her, he picked up a book and started reading as if nothing had happened, making it clear that he didn’t want to be interrupted. In one day, her romantic dream of a lifetime had turned into her worst nightmare.

By day, they dutifully masqueraded as loving honeymooners, publicly kissing and holding hands. Everyone congratulated them, thinking they were the perfect newlyweds struck by the love bug. But in the privacy of their cabin, it was anything but the “Love Boat.” Instead of enjoying each other at night, Tracey experienced a cold Artic air between them. She was actually relieved when the farce of their honeymoon was finally over.

Although she definitely had grounds to annul the marriage, Tracey wasn’t a quitter. She took seriously her vows recited in front of God and their 250 family members and friends. She had made a lifetime commitment to Mark. Maybe if she just did everything right, her prince charming would return to rescue her and love her forever. Then they could finally start the happily-ever-after part.

After they returned home from their cruise and tried to settle in, nothing seemed to improve, despite the sacrifices Tracey made. The wall between them continued to grow. Three months later, when Tracey had started to think about annulment, she discovered that she was pregnant. It should have been a joyful moment celebrated together. Instead, the news was another shattered dream. Knowing that the Russells’ marriage hung by a thread, some of her family and friends verbally expressed that the timing of the pregnancy couldn’t be worse. But Tracey stayed optimistic and prayed that God would use their child to bring them back together.

When their son, Chase, was born, the tension and emotional abuse only escalated. If possible, Mark resented Tracey even more. On the day that Tracey and baby Chase were discharged from the hospital, Mark chose work over coming home from the hospital with them. Now Tracey was alone not only as a wife, but also as a first-time mom. Mark’s rejection of their son hurt Tracey even more than his continual shunning of her affections.

They had both grown up in church but Mark had drifted away from God during their marital problems. In desperation, Tracey finally turned to a Christian counselor for advice. After hearing her nightmare story, the counselor commented, “Tracey, Mark will always be like a black mark on your wedding dress. You can try scrubbing it, but you’ll never get rid of it.” Tracey walked out of that session feeling hopeless.

On Valentine’s Day, Mark confessed to more devastating secrets. It was the last straw for Tracey. Totally numb, she asked her husband to pack his bags.

During their separation, Mark finally snapped out of his selfishness and began to realize what he was about to lose. He tried apologizing and attempted to reach out to Tracey and Chase. But Tracey’s wounds from his emotional neglect were too deep, and she no longer cared, and even doubted his sincerity. A bitter thought floated through her mind: Too little too late . . . After two years of heartbreak, he had finally “convinced” her that their marriage was beyond reconciliation, and she filed for divorce.

Ironically, it was at this point that Mark turned back to God and began to want their marriage, while Tracey had given up.

After the divorce, Tracey continued to believe that nothing could restore her broken heart. She blamed Mark for having the power to ruin her happiness. She further imprisoned herself by becoming a victim of bitterness and anger.

Because of their baby, they had been forced to see each other during weekend drop-offs. About eight months after their divorce, Mark stopped by to write a check to Tracey for child support. When he opened his wallet, Tracey noticed that he was still carrying their wedding picture. Just seeing herself in that white dress instantly brought back the memory of all her tarnished dreams. She vividly remembered the permanent black spot, and spat out, “Why in the world are you keeping that stupid picture?”

“Tracey, you have every right to hate me,” Mark responded, “but I’m still praying that God will give me a second chance with you and Chase. I’m going to Washington, DC, with some men from my church, for the Promise Keepers rally,” he said.

“That’s ironic,” she replied, “since you’re definitely very skilled at promise breaking.” She added, “You can just forget any chance of us ever getting back together, because I’ll never trust you again.”

The next day, as Tracey drove out of town for a wedding, she ended up listening to some praise music on the radio. After the music, a speaker talked about bitterness and repentance. It was exactly what she needed to hear. The speaker shared from the Bible about how the church in Ephesus turned their back on their first love (see Rev. 2:1-4).

Tracey had never before heard the Lord described as her first love, and in that moment, she realized that she had turned her back on God, because she was hurt and angry that He hadn’t saved her marriage. Right there in the car, she asked God to forgive her for forgetting Him and harboring bitterness toward Him and toward Mark.

After she repented, the radio station host announced that the broadcast was coming live from the Promise Keepers rally in Washington, DC. Was it just a coincidence that she and Mark were listening to the same speaker at the same time, hundreds of miles apart?

Tracey started listening intently as the speaker’s words shifted to repentance for marital sins. He asked each man to get out a picture of his wife or family and hold it up.

She envisioned Mark holding up the picture she had seen in his wallet the night before. The speaker prayed for miraculous restoration of families. He reinstated the men as the servant leaders and protectors of their families.

Tracey listened as thousands of men corporately begged God to forgive them for the sins they had committed against their wives and children. Slowly, her emotional barricade started to come down.

That night, Mark called his ex-wife from a friend’s house in Washington. “Tracey,” he said, “I’ve never understood why I kept our wedding picture until now. We need to talk when I get back.”

The next evening, Mark came straight from the airport to his former house and got down on his knees by her bedside as he confessed, “Tracey, I’ve done this all wrong. I’ve been so selfish. I want to be the godly husband you deserve and a godly father to our son.”

As the tears streamed down his face, he said, “Don’t trust me, but trust Christ in me.”

That night was the start of a miraculous reconciliation. Six weeks after Promise Keepers, Tracey and Mark were remarried. This time there was no glitz or fanfare. They called Tracey’s uncle, who had married them the first time and they had to scramble just to get their marriage license. They drove straight from the courthouse to Tracey’s uncle’s home to perform the ceremony.

Dressed in shorts and casual attire, wearing flip-flops, they picked up the plastic flowers from the coffee table for a makeshift bouquet before they repeated their vows. Only the presence of God mattered. They knew that He was giving them a second chance and reuniting their lives forever for a greater purpose.

A few weeks after their remarriage, Tracey was listening to the radio while driving. The story being told immediately captured her attention. It was about an heirloom handkerchief that had been spoiled by a black stain. The stain had ruined the pristine white hanky, devastating the owner. She was so distraught that she took her hanky to a skillful artist who literally transformed the spotted hanky into a cherished masterpiece. When she died, that handkerchief was the most prized possession of her entire estate.

As Tracey listened, she couldn’t help but think of the permanent black spot on her wedding dress. “God, I know that my hearing this was a message and confirmation from You. I’m giving You my black spot. Could You please make something beautiful out of the disappointment and mistakes of our first marriage?”

Over time, Tracey’s worst nightmare of that permanent black spot became a beautiful picture of the power of God’s amazing redemption. Today the Russells are a blessed family of six. As they share their testimony at churches and retreats, other couples continually tell how Tracey and Mark’s story gives them hope that they, too, can trust God to restore their troubled marriages.

I first met my friend Tracey Russell at a retreat after she shared part of her testimony. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Seeing the depth of their love today, it’s hard to believe that Tracey and Mark ever experienced such a dark season in their marriage. Every day, Tracey thanks God for the good and perfect gift of her husband, Mark, and their children, Chase, Holt, Trey and Faith. Their family testifies to the power of God’s love that goes much deeper than romance. They know that only God gives them the power to truly love for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, till death they do part.

Love Note

Every day offers a chance to choose anger or understanding, bitterness or acceptance, darkness or light. And the choices we make reveal the stuff we’re made of. ––Robin McGraw

he never leaves

Last night was a very very hard night for me. I feel like God is really testing me.. in the moments im feeling so hopeful, something happens and its like the enemy would love to see my hope squashed and is hoping that I will lose my hope and give up. I was woken up last night, and took some pretty "low blows" for lack of better words... I was just feeling crushed, broken, lost, hopeless and sad. I cried as I fell back asleep and had dreams of what I wish my life was... This morning I wasn't feeling like doing much of anything, almost like a depressed state of mind. but I got up and got in my car to go take care of granny.. this song started to play as I was driving...

"It's the sweetest thing
to trust you
just to know
You got everything under control

high up on a rock
looking out at the horizon
watching as the storm rolls in
wondering if my heart will survive it

as the waves crash all around me
and can't remember what it feels like to be free

You say, I've got you my baby
I've got you
it's quite the mess you're in
but it's nothing Love can't fix

so sit here upon my shoulders
and watch as it all unwinds

You are making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be shaken

i know You're making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be moved"

Of course I began to blubber like a baby, but I felt a smidge of joy start to creep back into my heart, and I began to pray, for him for me for us for God's will for his patience, for trust. Then after I finished tending to granny, I sat down to start week 2 in my "patience" discipleship book... oh goodness... I read this..
"Those who endure hurt with patience are behaving like Christ. Not only is their pain noticed by God but he walks with them through every step of the suffering.".... "God is there! Your affliction has meaning your pain is understood. The God of the universe aches to see your patient suffering and bombard you with such blessings."

God is here! He is so with me, through this whole entire mess that I have created he is not giving up on me. He is putting fire back in my heart, he is helping me as I am patient and trying my best to show him unconditional love no matter what words are spoken, no matter what actions are taken, when I love my husband I am honoring God. God hasn't left me. Please be encouraged, if anyone is going through something hard, or you feel like there is no hope for a person or a situation, know that God is so BIG, he can do all things! I dont know what the outcome will be for my situation, but I am committed to long term patience, waiting, watching as God's master plan reveals itself.

Please keep praying, for broken hearts to be restored, for healing to occur for reconsiliation to happen, and please please pray against the enemies LIES. that we would not fall for them.