learning. im a jerk

Dissolution- "the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership..."

This word breaks my heart. it shouldn't be H vs. H... I look at that and it makes my stomach sick. I hear the word and tears start to well up. I find myself asking God, please just stop it, make it go away, fix it... begging.

"In time you will see it as such a blessing (this time of patience) that if you had your whole life to live over again, you would not leave this painful season out."

as hard as things are right now, I wouldn't leave this part out, maybe I would go back and take back what I did, but this painful waiting, being patient, walking by faith and not by sight, I wouldn't leave it out. I have learned and am, and will continue to learn SO much. I am learning about the kind of husband I have and what kind of wife he needs, seeing all of the areas I really sucked at, knowing that besides the one action that got me here, all of the many other things I did that were way off.

I'm learning there are three types of men God has made, and our men have a little of all three but are more dominate in just one... There is the Commander, the Visionary and the Steady man, you see, I was blessed with a steady man, in my opinion they are the best! They are hard workers, easy going, strong, dedicated and really only want to please their wives... They can be indecisive,very gentle and can lack the ability to have deep conversations... I see how he had some of these and how they drove me NUTS.
For example; lets say we needed a new coffee pot, I would go to the store, pick one out that would look good on the counter do what I need and bam! new coffee pot, he, however, would go to 3 different stores, compare prices, how much coffee will fit in one, the temperature range, visit the stores maybe twice before making his final purchase... I would always get irritated with that, now a coffee pot might be an exaggerated example, but you get my drift. I didn't realize that his indecisiveness is actually cautious wisdom... what a blessing to have a man that will consider our finances before making purchases, who will really look and decide if it is a need or a want... I wish I wouldn't have taken that for granted, I wish I would've started to appreciate that, and encourage him to walk in that... how amazing would it be to watch that mature and develop over time...

or his emotions... I always felt like i was "hurting" his feelings... I would say or do things that would really truly hurt his feelings, well to me it wasn't something worth getting your feelings hurt over so I would constantly ride it off, disregard his feelings... how sad. I feel awful for that, those were my husbands feelings, and regardless of what I think of them, if they are legit or not, they are his and I was hurting them. I wish i could go back and apologise for all of the times I disregarded his feelings.

I'm learning that God made the man to be in control for a reason! Debi Pearl puts it good when she says this... "If women were the inventors, they would make minivans..." This is so true, women, or ME, I make decisions based on my feelings and emotions, and we all know feelings and emotions are SO fleeting, here one minute gone the next.... God made men to be logical, so that they could lead their wives and their families.. its not women's job to do, it wasn't MY job. even if they make mistakes, LET them... and dont beat them down when they do, support encourage and love unconditionally no matter what.

I'm seeing that I always wanted things MY way... I always knew a better way of doing things, a faster more efficient way to "get it done"... no wonder he felt frustrated and belittled... he could never do it right. I am learning I was a wretch of a wife. Who cares that he wants to leave his coffee cup upside down on the counter and rarely wash it!! let him, its NOT A BIG DEAL. I got so upset over little things, things that don't matter. I was so selfish. I didn't want to go do certain things because I didn't like to do that or that was "his" thing... I can go on a bike ride, i can go camping, i can go take a mini hike in the hills... Now I would give ANYTHING to do those things, because its time spent with the man that I love... its not about me.

I know this is very transparent, like I said, I'm using this as a thought journal to track what I'm learning, it actually helps my hands because they cramp really bad when i write... so that's good.
I dont know what God will do, I'm waiting and praying asking him to give me another chance, Its like God is turning on the wife light in my head "ding!" but it might be too late. I'm still hopeful still praying, God can do anything in 6 months!

if you havent read this book "Created to be his help meet" by Debi Pearl, go to Barnes and noble right now and get it. it is amazing. she is harsh and true and totally on target.

Please keep him in your prayers, God is so big and can do anything! please pray.