I have been waiting to write this...

I write this post a little beside myself... Im not sure if this is all the best dream I have ever had in my life and shortly I will wake up, back into my hopeless reality... It is not a dream. This is real. God is working, I have cried out to the Lord for such a long time, asking and pleading for Him to return my love. It is strange how God works, his timing and such. When I had finally given him back to the Lord, fully surrendering his life and our marriage to God, when I had finally become ok with who I am, with my relationship with the Lord, knowing that if I were to be a single divorced woman I would be ok, it wasn't until fully becoming ok with life and sustained in my relationship with my ultimate hubby, did God bring my love back around. I am in awe. I am fully amazed. The Lord has shown me to NEVER EVER underestimate what He can do. To never lose hope, to always continue in faith, to never give up. And when it looks hopeless, keep going, keep pushing, keep praying keep calling out to your heavenly father who hears you and looks on you with loving eyes. He has a plan. We fail to think that He could really do the impossible so we give up. I am thankful that with HIS strength I never gave up. because the blessing is far more then I could ever ask. Its not perfect and we have so much work to do. It is scary, and we are starting at square one, but I am blessed and thankful, that I get to see that face, hold those hands, hear that voice, and live my life with him. God thank you so much!

Its a story that is still continuing it is not over, this is where the rubber hits the road and the real hard work begins, but I know that God is going to honor and bless our marriage. Please continue to pray for us! (I said US not ME.) oh, im so thankful for that!

Pray for our journey...

i have learned about me

I have realized a couple of things about myself this morning... I was doing my Bible study and reading through about David, this man after God's own heart, and I have realized I am after God's heart.

It is easy to love someone when times are good. What about when things get hard? What about when everything seems to be falling apart? I think it is more of a test of love when you can love someone through the hard points in life. 9 months ago God began a work in my heart. He began to teach me what it really means to love another human being with everything you have, with your whole heart. It starts first with learning how to love God with your whole heart. I am so in love with my savior. My first love, the lover of my spirit. I have never trusted the Lord, had more faith or more hope in God, then I do now, and always will. He has proven himself to me (not like He ever had to). He has loved me through my sin, He loved me when I was lost, He never once gave up on me or lost hope in me. He was relentless in His pursuit for me. I am so glad He loves me that much, because I came home. I ran back and in His arms is where I want to stay...

That, is how I strive to love. That is how I want to love him. I could have given up 9 months ago, when the pursuit of our love got hard. I could have given up, when he said he was done. When he said he didn't want me. When he chose to do other things. When he completely pushed me out. I could have given up. I could have become bitter. I could have said horrible things. I could have gotten mad.

I didn't.

Because, the more and more I fall in love with Jesus, the more I fall in love with him, and can see past all of his worldly foolishness. I see past that and see a glimpse of who the Lord created him to be. he is a good man. and as my love grows daily for the Lord, my love grows daily for him.

against what many people have said to me about this pursuit I have been on, I continue. I am devoted, to my love. I gave him my heart, he is worth this continual fight. Our marriage and who I know someday God will make him is worth it to me.

I have learned, that my true character has been revealed the past 9 months, and though I am not perfect, I have learned that with the Lord, I am strong. I am a fighter. I don't quit when it gets hard, my love for him is pure and unconditional. and if I could make it through something like this and come out better then I was before, then hopefully I am worth keeping.

hopefully I am worth the risk to pursue, and see the change that has taken place in my life. I am worth it. I was worth it to the Lord, who never gave up on me..

It is easy to love someone when things are hard, it is a true test of love when you can love someone and continue to love them more through the hard things. This is how God calls us to love,

this is how I will love.

Dear, Me.

releasing my thoughts here until they can be released to who they are for...don't be confused.

I was going through some old letters... and I came across this one, I thought I would share it. It is so sweet, and I really appreciated it and loved it when it was written to me. I was in a very dark sad place when this letter was given to me. It makes me sick to think about that area of my life but, causes me to rejoice in what the Lord has brought me out of... Why I want to share this letter is for the highlighted areas...

"...I also miss how grounded you where with your relationship with Jesus! You lit up an had a fire for Him. I wanted that soooo bad and fell in love with that. Were going through a rough road in life right now, but i am trusting in Jesus to lead us through it! Do the same, find Him, search Him, listen. I believe were meant to grow and learn a life time with Jesus and share that with our spouse, then grow together,, as one, the way he designed it! Just know I'm trying hard, this i believe will take a long time. I pray for you daily, and hope you find that love again and bring it into our lives. I love you completely for who you are, Jesus loves you tremendously! I'm writing this while you are sleeping, so sleep tight, sweet dreams and see you in the morning. love, me"

I wanted to say thank you to you, Mr.Me. Thank you for praying, you said you prayed daily for me, that I would find Jesus, that I would search for Him, that I would listen to Him and that I would know how much He loves me! Thank you so much for all of your prayers... This struggle has brought me back to my Savior. back to my first love. Though I still pray for a miracle, and I pray for you daily, if going through all of this and making the mistakes I have made was to bring me back to the Lord, then it is pain not wasted. I am grateful that we serve the God of reconciliation, restoration and healing. Pastor Gary said Sunday, "Nothing is impossible with God!"

I believe that.

I love you very much ME with all of my heart, thank you so much for all of your prayers... They weren't wasted. I pray someday God would answer mine.

Recent Happening!

So, I don't have anything witty or semi wise to say... Just some pictures of life and the joys that God is bringing to me!! So, enjoy : )

Going on a date with my brother, well it was for his birthday, but still I love him so much and I am so thankful God has given me such a wonderful brother!

Getting my bank outfits together!! Spending WAYYYY to much money on new clothes, but its legit right??? I need work clothes!! :/

Screwing around in the hospital with my sister!!! clicking the little beeper, blowing up latex gloves, putting these squeezie leg things on, watching Dr. OZ... ahahhah

Taking care of my mom after her surgery. I love her so much and Im glad she is feeling much better. I didnt like seeing her all hooked up to a bunch of stuff, no fun.

I did the walk for life with Jen and Denny in Lake Elsinore, it was really fun and I raised over 200 dollars!! I also did relay for life which supports the research for breast cancer : )

spending time with my beauty sisters!! they are so lovely and amazing and i just am so grateful for them!

My mom! she just makes me laugh, and I love making her laugh so hard she almost pees... well sometimes she might just let a little go....

having my "celebration dinner!" celebrating QUITTING starbucks!!! YAY

hanging out with fantastic friends! Royce making me laugh all the time and seeing Matt, who turns out to have a ton of jokes! : )

JENNY! my weeks just aren't the same unless I spend some friend time with her! she lets me feel exactly what I need to feel in any moment. sometimes, I get pissed and wish I didnt care about anything and the next moment, Im crying because my heart is in pieces, and she is there to talk, listen and eat loads of food with!! xoxo

my last picture at the drive thru window!!! SO NOT sad about that, but look how cute I am in my apron... right?

My friend Sarah! Seriously , I love her! she is an amazing friend and she is constantly pointing me back to the Lord! She has a pretty rad husband Mike, I really like spending time with them!

Loving my family!

I just have been spending lots of time with family and friends! I just started my new job at Pacific Western Bank, I am down in San Diego right now until I move to the Bonsall office.. I really am enjoying it! Im just learning and growing and taking things one day at a time! I love who I am becoming and the best part is, God isn't done with me!!! YAY

Still hoping and praying, but ready to accept whatever unfolds before me. I am strong, better yet, God is strong in me!

YAY

Lots of love,

Katy!

Growing

"God, change me not my circumstances! There will be NO stale crackers in this Honda!"

This is the quote that is in my car right now on the dashboard where I can see it daily!

A couple of days ago I had an "Ah-ha" moment! I was reading in my book (Separated and waiting) the chapter was actually on choosing not to worry but she wrote in there that God wants to change us not our circumstances.

Well I really thought about that. I thought about who I was 7 months ago versus now. There has been a lot of change, a lot of growth and I am so happy and blessed at the work the Lord has been doing in my life! But, I was thinking if I never changed, if I was always who I was then and God just constantly changed my circumstance, I would be the same old stale cracker, just in different situations. Well, that's just NOT OK!

Instead of asking God to change my situation, which I wish He would... I'm asking that He continues to change me! so that instead of getting a new circumstance, I can be NEW in my current circumstance!! God is so good. The refiners fire is a good place to be :)

I want to move forward, God is making me into the woman He created me to be. I like her. and I like that its a LIFE long process, He isn't done!!!

what is right isn't always easy

Joseph.

The story of Joseph in the Bible is a beautiful one, filled with love and forgiveness. In my book I am reading, called Love by, Calvin Miller, told of the beauty of forgiveness. The scripture reference is Genesis chapter 50 verses 19-21 "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear I will provide for you and your little ones. Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them."

Joseph was telling this to his brothers, who hated him, who wanted to kill him but instead sold him, and abandoned him. They did evil to him. They hurt him. They did not deserve his forgiveness for what they had done.

I love when Joseph says, you meant it for evil but God meant it for good. We all face trials. We all get hurt. People WILL hurt us, especially the ones we love the most tend to hurt us the worst. Its because we are sinful humans. It's inevitable. But here is the thing, the thing I hope to always understand, the thing that Joseph learned to understand is that:

God will never waste our pain.

What happened to Joseph sucked. It hurt. He was let down. He was betrayed. He was wronged. But God used that for good. God used all he had been through to shape his character and refine him.

I must remember this. God will not waste my pain. I want everything I have been through to bring glory to the Lord. I hope and pray that he would come to understand this. That God sees his pain. That if only he would turn to Him, He will provide everything he needs to get through this.

"It insults the forgiving heart of our heavenly father when we do not forgive one another."

"How much does the kingdom of God suffer when we are unforgiving? our FAILURE TO FORGIVE OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST HOLDS BACK GOD'S DREAMS FOR OUR FUTURE."

I don't want to insult the Lord, or take for granted the Cross by not forgiving nor, do I want to not experience God's dreams for my life here on earth because I am too stubborn or prideful, hurt or afraid to forgive.

forgiveness is hard, especially when we have been hurt by a loved one, but God is with us, He is with me and He provides everything I need to do His will.

No matter what happens I'm glad that the Lord has been teaching me what it means to have a forgiving heart.

september 29, 2009

I always hoped this day wouldn't come.
I thought about it, and have tried to mentally prepare myself, but how do you, really.
The end of a dream. The end of a promise. The end of a vow. The end.
I keep trying to tell myself, hang in there, you never know what can happen, things can change...
I feel like that is keeping me from moving. from going forward. from figuring out how I am going to be ok.

false hope?

I don't know? God has been everything to me through this whole thing, and His hope is not false. I have given it to Him. He knows my heart, He knows his heart. He knows my desire. I am still in it. I will still wait. I am still committed. I still am trusting.
a paper doesnt change the way I feel. a paper doesn't change my mind. The value of this person in my life is worth far more than a piece of paper.

I am so thankful that I have a loving God who is holding my broken heart, who is catching my tears. and who knows the begining and the end. I trust. I have faith.

"Sure belief and trust."

hope injection.

"Faith, sure belief and trust."




"Separation removes you from some of the constant pressures of conflict. It permits self examination in which emotions can be separated from behavior. In short it places you in an arena where you can develop a new understanding of yourself and your spouse..."



God is so good. Its funny how when I am constantly praying to be in His will, He is so faithful to put me there. The past week has been a hard week, yet again. I think with all that is so unresolved there will always be this empty space in my heart and in my life... but some weeks are just a bit more of a struggle, so this week was one of them... I prayed, "Lord, please bring my heart some encouragement and some hope" and I asked some of my close friends if they would just pray for my week... They must have prayed and God must have heard me and my dear friends! He has given my hope once again...



Last night, I was taking care of a friend who just had surgery, I was there until her husband got home to take over. When he got home he had so much love, care and concern for his wife. He kissed her, asked her how she was, got her food, medicine did everything he could to make sure she was comfortable... it was so sweet, and I was so happy that she has a man who really cares about her and loves her. I left their house, and though I was happy for them as I drove I could feel it. The wave. You see, I used to cry everyday, when I would wake up and when I would go to sleep... Now it comes in waves... and as I was driving home, I was fighting it... but my body, my mind and my heart grew weak of being strong and holding it in, and I began to cry. My heart longs for my love, not just LOVE but MY LOVE... this man that I committed my life and my heart to...



So, defeated by emotion, exhausted from thinking and crying I went home, sat in the middle of my room, and just thought, "Lord, what is going to happen." I decided that, though I didn't feel like reading or doing anything that I knew would be good for my spirit, I went against my fleeting feelings, took a shower, got dressed and drove to Starbucks to read. As I drove there, I prayed, "God, I need you. Inject my heart with hope, speak to me, I want to listen, I need to hear you."



God is good.



I arrived at Starbucks, got my usual (green tea unsweetened with 3 raw sugars :) ) and sat down and opened my new book. SIDE NOTE: I order all of my books through http://www.cbd.com/ and they usually take awhile to get here, but I ordered 2 books and they arrived within 3 or 4 days!! that never happens... but these books have been so helpful and essential for where I am at in life... So, I'm sitting there reading and this young man approaches me to ask me what I am reading, I felt a bit awkward because of the title of the book, so I said "oh, you know, just a self help book..." and he asked well what is it called, so sheepishly I help up the book so I didn't have to read it out loud... "Separated and Waiting, how to survive marital separation" by, Jan Northington. He said, "Oh.. I'm so sorry..."



He began to tell me that he felt like God was asking him to come over and encourage me. We talked all about going through struggle and how faithful God is to be everything we need. How in our deepest darkest struggles is where God finds us and changes us. We talked about grace and forgiveness and how understanding salvation and what it means for us personally is essential. He remined me of how much the Lord loves me, and that He will work all things together for my good. It wasn't weird, he wasn't a weirdo and I didn't sense his intentions for talking to me were anything but to encourage me with God's word.



It was just what I needed to hear. I drove to my friends house so thankful that God had spoken to me through this guy and that I had received my injection of hope...



Well, God wasn't done.



Today, at church I was further encouraged. God's message to the body at Lambs was all about never giving up. It was based off of the passage in Luke 18:1 "He told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and never lose heart."



He asked what have you been praying for that you have lost hope for or have given up on? He said what is it that God said to you when He asked you to pray for whatever you were praying for? He went on to further speak on the topic, but the whole time I was so encouraged because,



I have not given up.



at the end he asked anyone who resonated with the message and knows that they have given up on something or someone and needs to start praying and recommit that to God to come forward. I didn't have to go forward. I know that the only reason I am still in this and haven't given up is because of the Lord, because of his love and strength in me. For me, the message was God's way of giving me a push, reminding me He is still in control and that what I am doing is still what He wants me to do:



Be patient, wait and let me work.



I was so encouraged today. I don't have to worry, I know who is in control, this is so out of my control.

The only one who can change hearts and mind is God. He changed mine and He has every ability to change his... I believe someday He will. His timing. His way.



God is good. I am so thankful for His love and my growing relationship with him. I am learning to love like He loves. He NEVER gives up on us. He NEVER says, "sorry I have waited too long." He loves us UNCONDITIONALLY. and we can ALWAYS come back to him. That's how I want to love him.



be blessed, know you are loved.



Katy. Hill

ripples.

My dear friend has this book called Streams in the desert, or something like that, It has an encouraging passage for each day of the year and everyday before I leave the house I pick it up and read the passage for the day... Well the begining of this entry started with this... "When we are waiting..." ugh. waiting. I closed the book and put it back on the table... but something in me, (my loving father) was like, go, read it! So before I left I went back and read it... This is what really stood out to me.

"For God's vision to be impressed on our hearts, we must sit in stillness at His feet for quite a long time. Remember the troubled surface of a lake will not reflect an image."

It just painted the most beautiful picture in my mind... I have heard of a couple things that really brought sorrow and pain to my heart the past couple of days. Things that leave me feeling heartbroken, abandoned and hurt... But I am reminded to sit before the Lord, and while these things are like a bunch of rocks being thrown into a lake, like many little ripples, I see the need for quiet. God speaks in the stillness of our hearts, in the quiet of our day....

1Kings 19:11-12

"Go out and stand before me on the mountain" the Lord said. And as Elijah stood there the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there the sound of a gentle whisper."

God is in the stillness and quiet. This is where my heart gets full of His love and His grace. This is when He continues to shape me and mold me. Where He is continuing to create in me a new woman, the woman He had in mind when He thought of me. This is where I can take all of the ripples in my life and there the Lord makes the waters still, and I see His heart, and where His heart is, is where I want my heart to be.

Seek Him, find Him in the quiet.

Staying in the eye.

It is interesting, trying to leave everything behind. You think if you can just skip out of life for awhile, leave the city, leave the county, leave the state, then maybe just maybe, your hurts will be gone. The wounds will some how magically seal up. The heaviness will get lighter, you will be back to normal again... I'm home now. Turns out, it is all still there. It doesn't go away... So, I refocus, set my eyes on the Lord, and I ask... "why?" and "when will I get an answer?"...

In Texas, they get some really bad thunder and lightning storms. Every time the sky would turn blackish grey I thought for sure we were going to have a tornado, well we didn't, just some pretty intense rain. The tornado got me thinking... Everything about a tornado is out of control. The winds are intense. The rain is fierce. Its like someone turned up the volume and there is just a whirlwind of chaos all around. Things are flying everywhere. People are afraid. It's just pure out of control. At the center or the eye of the tornado, it is still. This is where I find myself, if my life were a natural disaster, it might be a tornado. Everything is swirling out of control, I have no idea where I will be tomorrow, next week, 2 months or a year... I just don't know.

Today was rough for me. coming back here, after spending some much needed time with my family in TX. it has been hard... because here I am again, waiting. not being able to see what lies outside the walls of my tornado. Not knowing what is to become of my life. will I spend it with this man I love? Will he decide to choose me? Tons and tons of questions rack my brain daily. and really, if I spent my day pondering them I would go nuts... So, I find that I have to stay in the eye of the tornado.

This is where my God is. He is in the center, in the calm, in the quiet of my life when it is spinning out of control. He has control. I will trust Him.... I will remember my commitments, and I will stick to them. I will not give into my feelings and emotions, I have learned they are here than gone, I will continue to press on with what my heart truly desires. God knows... He is still teaching me complete dependency on Him. God, I am so thankful for your faithfulness, thank you for never giving up on me, and being a God of restoration, reconciliation and healing. You can do ALL things. Let my heart always be willing to take a chance on your plan, no matter how scary it looks or what it might cost. Let my eyes always be on you. You are good...

changing

This has been an interesting month for me. Today, it was a little bit cooler and something about the air outside is changing. A little cleaner, a little lighter, a little crisper, not much but just a little bit more like fall. Things are also changing inside of me... Much has happened this past month. You go from hoping, praying, wishing, thinking only good things keeping your heart and mind in good spirits. Not knowing is sometimes better. but the seasons are changing and so am I. I must say this past week has been a challenge for me. My eyes have been opened to the reality of the situation I find myself. I guess before I wasn't really ok with things, I didn't believe them to be true. But, it is true. This is how it is going to be. This is where i am at. I have seen a different side of things. a revealing of where this precious soul is. It is a dark and lonely place, I cannot help. All I can do is pray. Before I could only hope for the best, that things were progressing in a positive way, well, it seems they're not. more of a regression. So, I was discouraged on Friday of last week. and then Saturday through Thursday more discouragement. I felt let down. worthless. angry. sad. hurt. rejected. depressed. alone. My eyes left my father. He finally answered my prayers by allowing me to see, I guess I just didn't want to see what I saw. but

he is faithful.

This is what I learned...

When I set my eyes on myself I feel sad, hurt, alone, let down, worthless, prideful, woe is me, angry... When I set my eyes on him I feel mad, sad, depressed, discouraged, frustrated, hurt... When I set my eyes on the Lord He is faithful, I feel hopeful, encouraged, worthy, forgiven, showered in grace, reminded of his promises... When I keep my eyes on him I remember that He has a plan for my life. that I am new. That I have taken off my old self and have put on my new self. That I was not made with a spirit of fear. That He works all things together for good. That He is fighting for me. That He loves me and wants to bless me if I am obedient to follow His will....

I will keep my eyes there.

God is good.

I am reminded of what God showed me almost 7 months ago... He reminded me of Noah, and how God gave him a plan and a something to do... It required Noah to have faith and wait on God for 120 years! God reminded me that I said I would wait. I said I would be patient. I said I would give him time. I said that I would love unconditionally. I asked God to stretch me, grow me, and create in me a woman that would be pleasing to Him.

I am reminded.

I will press on, keeping my eyes focused on the Lord. On HIS will, and the things unseen. I am learning the power of prayer, and waiting patiently.

No matter what, my love for the Lord will not waiver, I never want to leave His side.

Here we go

Good Bye...

To you room. You have been good to me, at first it was strange, you were so unfamiliar, but as time went on, as I climbed the stairs walked down the hall and opened your door, you became home to me. You have been a good room. Thank you.

Thank you for letting me cry all over your carpet, thank you for being squishy so when I fell to my knees you cushioned my fall. Thank you for having the most amazing breeze at night as I tried to fall asleep but was up thinking...

Thank you for being a good room. I'll miss you.

This is my whole life in boxes. I must say I have gotten good at packing, I packed my life up in just 3 hours... I am moving. I found another room to rent that is closer to my work which will save me money on gas, and the rent is cheaper which is great for me! Starbucks barely cuts it for me...

I am not where I want to be. I miss him. I want him to be here, I want to get through this with him... but I cannot change him. He is somewhere, doing something... So, I am here... I am learning and growing, changing and embracing struggle, embracing growth, embracing my faults, admitting my weakness, facing my fears, and holding tight to the hand of my God, my loving God who has got me so tight in His hands.

So, even though I am scared, and I am not where I want to be, I know I am exactly where He would have me be! I have to have risky faith, not just hearing the God's word and saying I believe it, but actually living it. trusting it. following it and Him.

rest in His arms.

I will always remember this part of my life, though I wish I could've avoided it completely, I have never been more in love with my savior. He has scooped me up. and He is healing my heart.

free fall of life.

Trust? Faith? Crazy?...
Today I took the long way home, around the lake, and as I was driving I saw some people sky diving... I was watching as they were gliding through the air, some of them seemed like they were out of control, their bodies flinging about through the air, they looked like they were going to land right smack dab in the middle of the road, or some, looked like they were falling way too fast... all I could think was "how crazy"... who just jumps out of a plane? who has that much faith, or trust that its going to be OK, that they're not going to plummet to their deaths or land in the middle of the road and get hit by a semi-truck, how are they able to just hop on out of a plane and feel like its a grand plan? what trust...
well, then it got my wheels a turnin'...and I started to think about Jesus... sometimes the way He calls us to live is kind of like jumping out of a plane, you have to be all in! because more then likely the way He calls us to live is crazy, its not easy, it doesn't always make sense in the moment, sometimes it feels like we are plummeting to our very own deaths... but He has control, He is the parachute that carrys us, only the good thing about Jesus is we never have to doubt whether or not He is going to open, the Jesus parachute ALWAYS opens, we just have to pull the cord! hmmm... sometimes we are falling, and falling fast, sometimes there are those that smash into the ground all because they never pulled the cord, the cord isn't going to pull itself, we have to pull it! Jesus is there!
I cant imagine my life 6 months ago if I never pulled my Jesus cord! I would be smashed pancake on the ground.
I love this about Jesus, He isn't going to force us, he isn't going to make us do something or make us choose Him! we have to choose him for our selves, we have to recognize our need, our desperate need for a parachute in life's free fall from a plane...

OK, that was a ramble, I had like a million light bulbs going off all at once! oh dear... circles, its how I communicate.

<3
The girl who is not going to crash and die.
Katy. H

no matter what, I am thankful.

This is me... In 12 days it will be exactly 6 months since my life unwraveled... it has been quite a long six months for me, and much has happened. A lot of change has taken place, my job, my place of living, my family, my friends, my church, relationships, some gone and the arrival of new ones... pretty much everything that I thought was my life has changed... The biggest change though, has been ME... I am not the same. God has taken six months of my life, and will continue to do so for the rest of forever, and HE has begun to change me... I know what I want, I know how I got here, and I am doing all I can to hang onto what is dangling by a thread, my hopes and my prayers are still there 110% daily, I continue to wait and see what will become of the most preciuos thing in my life. BUT no matter what, I am so thankful for everything I have gone through, because I have never been more in love with Jesus. He is the lover of my soul, He is sufficient, He is everything I could ever need or want, He is filling all of the empty holes and gaps in my life, He is revealing my value and my worth... When I began to walk down the path back to my saviors loving arms, I needed Him to show me that I could trust Him, and He has done nothing but show me! I have learned that I can have COMPLETE trust in my Jesus, His word is true, He is faithful. Even in my darkest time, my heart overflows with joy because He is alive and moving and working in my life. I always want to be near Him. I want my life to reflect His unfailing grace and forgiveness. I am so thankful for those, you NEVER can understand the grace and forgiveness of Jesus until you are in the place where you absolutely need it. He has taken me out of the pit and has breathed life into me... and for this I am thankful.. May you understand the love of your father, may you be filled with joy, don't ever let fear of the unknown hold you back from reaching out and grabbing the loving hand that is reaching out for you. He is there.

May you rest in His love and in His peace...
giving God ALL of the glory,

Katy Hill

dont underestimate

I have been absent from my blogspot for awhile now... I think just taking a break, soaking some things in, praying, focusing in on Jesus, listening, waiting, seeking... I wonder what He is going to do, God, I have learned is a God of the unexpected, and when we think we have drawn a conclusion, or have predicted the end; when we think that we know what we'll do, or have made a plan, HE changes it all. You see, we can think we have control over our own lives, and in someways we do, but I think that, for someone who has accepted Jesus into their hearts, well, He never leaves, we can ignore him, we can distance ourselves, we can be retarded, we can make some bad decisions, but He is still there, and sooner or later, he will start to knock on the door of our heart... He is subtle too, he isn't forceful, he is gentle and kind, and when we finally decide to open the door, He lets us fall into His loving arms... I have had these moments, where I think, "ok God, I have to make a plan, I know I dont want to live here for ever, I need to go back to school, I need to make sure I am ok, Im going to do what I need to do..." and I get this whole idea, and plan... I am learning, NEVER to rest in that. NEVER trust your own will. God can change your WHOLE entire life in a split second... thats something else I have been learning, I am not promised the next 5 minutes, how do I want to live my life?? a young boys life was taken in a second when he got hit by a car, who would have thought? it goes to show, life is short, our time shouldnt be wasted... I want God to have my whole heart, I want healing and wholeness, I want His will not mine, I want to trust completely and live for Him alone, doing my best to be pleasing to Him... my first love. This is a ramble and I tend to do that, just talk in circles... but I get what Im saying, right? this is my journal, my story. God's story.

from a heart who is waiting and seeking,
Katy Hill.