change

My life is interesting right now. I am in a place of being willing to change and grow and as I actually take action steps, I am watching myself change... weird how that works huh? change is a challenge... we get so used to one thing, that when we change and take steps in a different direction it is uncomfortable, we immediately want to return to our "old" ways because it is comfortable, its familiar, we know how to do that... Well, I wont. I refuse, even when it gets hard I am relying on the Lord. That's the good thing about God, if we take a step in faith, to change, He is right there with us, we don't have to do it alone.. I used to be one of those people who thought, "this is the way I am, I cant change..." or even thinking the same things about others, its not true. change is possible. it takes a willing heart but it can be done. it isn't easy, that's for sure but it is possible. I'm doing it!

The hard part. I have learned that I am sticky. I need people, ok, I know we do need people, God didn't create us to live in this world alone, but I mean it an unhealthy amount of neediness... I am learning that I need to be ok with me, ok with being alone with me. Its weird where I am at in life right now, everything thing, and I mean EVERYTHING. that is comfortable and familiar has been ripped from my life, its just me now. well, me and God. This past weekend, I think I spoke maybe 5 words, and a couple of them were.."learn to drive!" that was to this retarded truck that almost crashed into me... anyway, it was weird. I got up, drove to Laguna beach, sat on the sand, read for a long while, drove back to my room, went swimming, read some more and eventually just went to sleep. a quiet weekend for sure. its definitely different for me. I'm used to people, all the time, talking, if I had a free second I spent it hanging out with someone.. I'm not used to quiet, to just being with me.
today was the same. I worked, thats been crazy too, tons of noise, and people, and then the moment I clocked out and got in my car... silence. went for a run, then a drive, drank a protein shake, showered and now here I am pondering my life and what I am learning. So I ran up my hill again... and walked down, and as I walked I was sure to look around... I think I miss life, I picked one of those blowing things, that you make a wish and blow all of the little white things off... I stopped to do that, I noticed a humming bird, some beautiful white flowers growing on these trees, leaves blowing in the wind and the way the suns light reflected off of the mountains, it was truly refreshing. I was listening to a song that was saying, "Take it all, just give me Jesus..." and it really hit my heart, everything is gone, and what I want to come back, well he might not, that's the reality of life. but I have to be content with God, He is enough. He is there, He does love me, I am His. take it all.
the next song said, "every season will find an end..." this was encouraging to me because, I really hope this season of heaviness, sadness, just an overall shoulders hung over season, will come to an end. It will, I wont feel like this forever.

I don't know, this is turning into a ramble... I am changing I am growing, I am seeking and slowly finding, I am still hopeful, I am still praying, I will fight, and I will not give up, its not over until it is over.

God is good, no matter what is happening, God is good, and He is enough.