Adventures of J&K

New Start!

2010-09-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! We have a new blog! click HERE and come follow us!!

xoxox -The Hills

free wi-fi

2010-05-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

jeff and i on our bike ride!!

the gum wall... amazing!!
my handsome man!

a windy easter !

hello blog!! sorry it has been awhile, still without internet so it makes things a bit harder to keep updated. but here i am at tullys soaking up some wi-fi!

life is wonderful. things are settling in now. jeff got a job at Ace Hardware right down the street from our house, he is loving biking to work!!! now that we have another source of moolie we might just invest in some internet, which would mean that the updates would be more frequent!!

work is wonderful! im actually really liking my job and am getting really nice compliments from the staff! its good to know that im doing a good job at me job :) the kids are hilarious, and like any job with children it is stressful at times and a stretch of my patience, but it is fun and rewarding! the staff is awesome, they really do take care of me! its a good place to work! im getting along great with my team members, keeping them laughing and such!

Jeff is loving his job too! its a smaller store then the one in CA so its a lot less stressful! he is getting his hours in and its keeping him busy!! i went into the store today, its really nice, and we get a discount on everything!! which is good because they have lots of kitchen stuff and home stuff!! YAY!! he gets to wear jeans and a t-shirt and hat!! he looks so handsome!! i walked in and thought, "ohhh, thats MY hubby!" hehehehe...

things are getting pretty regular here, developing a routine! we LOVE our church and our community group they are becoming our really great friends! its nice to have people in your life you can open up and get real with! thats what community is, sharing your life! we had a pretty sweet bbq last sunday with the sun shinin and the air filled with the delicious scent of fooooood!!! i hung out with my new friend katie this week, we went to molly moons for some YUMMY ice cream, i had lavender honey!! she is a real swell girl! its nice to start making new friends! :)

jeff and i do definitely miss our family though. it is tough not having them as close as they normally are. we are really hoping to have some visitors this summer!! moving away has really helped us realize how lucky we are to have such great families who support us, even through the hard stuff!

we are loving exploring the city, it is so fun! we are still riding bikes all over! jeff got a new fixie!! he LOVES it, it is exactly what he wanted a pretty sweet black and yellow color! we rode 22 miles one day! i didnt even complain!!hahahah we found a yummy sandwhich place downtown last week called local color http://localcolorseattle.com/ they have some local art displayed, it was so awesome!!! seattle is just a great place to live, it has so much to offer!!

welp friends, gotta get home and get ready for jeff to come home, oh and we LOVE LOST we are addictted we started from season 1 and are going through full throttle!! its a great show, if you dont watch it, you should start.

xoxox kate

Space Needle Love

2010-04-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

Im so excited right now!! A couple of things are on my mind as I sit here in this coffee shop that I rode my bike to! 1. I am just so overwhelmed with Jesus, He truly loves me and has my best in mind. I feel so blessed and reassured that I can completely trust Him with everything. When we moved here we were stressed about finding jobs. Our plan was to either get a job and move from so cal, or save a certain amount of money and just go for it. We wound up saving the amount and now we are here. I found out last Thursday I got the job at Chestnut Hill Academy as an Instructional Assistant!! We were so excited!!! It was such a stress reliever, Jeff and I joked and said; "Yay, now we can keep our apartment!" and then today, Jeff had an interview at Ace Hardware and they absolutely LOVED him, we are pretty sure he is going to get the job!! I just feel so blessed. We knew that we needed to move, we felt a huge peace about moving to Seattle, but we were scared of all the "what ifs". We trusted in the Lord and went for it and He has taken care of us, FAR beyond anything we could have ever imagined!! It is a reminder to me, that God knows. He knows what we need. He knows where we are at. He knows where we are going and where we will end up. I can trust I can believe that we will be O.K.

It is becoming an awesome ritual that if you land a job when first moving to Seattle, that you have to go to the Space Needle for dinner to celebrate! It was actually pretty funny, well one it seems that Ali is always around for really exciting moments in my life, and she was there when I found out I got the job, happy dance all the way!! Well, Boston asked what was going on and Ali told him, Katy got a new job, he said; "Are we going to the Space Needle!!??" It was precious, well because when Willy got his job the celebrated by going to the Space Needle's restaurant for dinner... So, we bundled up and headed to dinner!

Jeff wore this awesome coat!! I think he looks like a sexy spy!! hahahah ;) They have an observation deck at the top where you can look out and see the beautiful twinkling city below! You can even peek into other buildings with these awesome telescopes!
Inside the restaurant it rotates as you eat. At first Jeff thought he might get sick eating like that but he got used to it and we had a great time! He had really delicious sea food alfredo and I had super fancy chicken, I sipped a Seattle Sunset and Jeff got a beer that tasted like teriyaki sauce :( It was REALLY overpriced but so worth it!!

Here she is all lit up (so pretty!) I got to smooch my husband on top of Seattle, it was so dreamy with the lights all around us!!!

I love this man so much and I am so proud of him, he is such a hard worker and I cannot wait to see as God prepares a way for him to travel down the path he has set out!

Which brings me to the second thing I am excited about... #2. I love my husband. Its funny I get all mushy right now, before this I was getting ready to leave and I was really bugging him, hahahdah, but even when Im buggin I know that he loves me!! I just think about life sometimes and cant believe where God has brought us. I remember being here and thinking about now. that I get to write this blog about me and Jeff having dinner on top of Seattle. God is good. I love my husband. I love what God is doing in our marriage. Easter, was amazing. Church was incredible. It reminded me that Jesus saved me. Jesus saved my marriage. Jesus is the reason that we are still married. I cant believe, but I can.

His love is something I cannot even comprehend or even begin to try to comprehend. He loves me, He loves Jeff and He loves our marriage. Im just at a loss for words. Im so thankful. I get to be married to Jeff, I get to love him, I get to live in Seattle with him, I get to ride bikes with him, I get to make his coffee, I get to fix him dinner and do his laundry, I get to laugh with him, I get to take walks to get coffee and talk, I get to go to church with him, I get to share my life with him!

Im also happy that we are really getting plugged into our church! Willy and Alison are gems, I love you guys! Thank you for helping us get connected! You are the very best friends ever! I love that Jeff is at mens group tonight, being encouraged and supported. I love that I got to go to women's bible study last night! We are making lots of friends too!! We had dinner with Shannon and Erin last week they are an awesome young married couple! we ate and laughed and talked about life!

I just feel full. not even full, overflowing!!

Thank you Jesus!

how is seattle?

2010-03-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

Life in Seattle, well... its wonderful! We absolutely LOVE it here!! Lets see, the fist couple of days we got here, we meant business!!! we unpacked the whole house, cleaned and got settled, I burned my awesome new candle that my lovely Jenn got me! It fills my house with the delicious scent of soy so YUMMY!! we also got down to business, applying places, updating our resumes, and searching for jobs! We pretty much burnt ourselves out with all of the serious talk, we needed a fun day! So we went out on Saturday with our friends Willy and Ali and there boys (which we LOVE) to downtown Seattle! It was so fun, the day started with an lovely hike up 3rd! I know this might not sound like much but 3rd is the street where people train on the bikes, it is a really REALLY steep hill! I needed a puffer once we got to the top, but the whole walk was worth it when we made it to Cafe Fiore, it is a delicious organic coffee house! it is so cozy in there and the coffee is amazing!!! After our yummy coffee we caught the bus downtown! We cruised through the market, and walked down by the water! I love that in seattle you see all kinds of people!! people watching here is so much better then the Promenade Mall, seriously you see some awesome things! we saw a crazy lady jammin with her busted up boom box, another interesting lady with a mink on and shorts throwing bread to the birds, and a gang of gangsta ladies smoking somethin... but its fun! and really you only see the weirdos in downtown, our neighborhood is really nice, family friendly! anywhooo, we ate lunch at red robin on the pier, it was super yummy and the boys loved their balloons! its fun hangin with the brav fam, not only do we absolutely LOVE them (willy and ali) we also LOVE their boys!! Its giving Jeff and I a good lesson in kiddos! I love watchin Jeff with them, Jo loves him its pretty much love/hate :)

We walked around some more and found our way to Anthropologie where the sign read "Hiring Sales Associates" ding ding ding, wheres the applications???? so tomorrow Im taking it in with my resume, wish me luck!! who wants a discount!!!! :)

After finding some awesome new tights and three coat hangers at Urban Outfitters, we hopped on the bus and headed home!!

It was a lovely day of city seeing :)

Today was even better!! church at Mars Hill, what beats that?? getting some good foundational bible teachin, then on to community group gathering! We are so excited getting plugged in here, the people are fantastic!! We have met so many great people and have never felt more accepted and welcomed by a church EVER!!

I also got a new bike!! i LOVE it!!! I got to go on a ride with Willy and Jeff (they are Lance Jr's) to REI in downtown, there were two (GIGANTIC) semi big hills that I made it up!! all i thought as my legs were on FIRE was "be gone cellulite!!!" woooo, you all just wait im gonna get in shape!

Seattle=Love

toodaloooo xoxoxo

Seattle our new home!

2010-03-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

Here is a brief picture update!! We have been SOOO busy getting set up and settled in! When we got back from Seattle, we took a week to pack up, say goodbye and move our life to this beautiful city! Im sitting in Willy and Ali's house weezing from their internet!! (thanks guys!!) So, our basement cave apartment is pretty set, we are going to get a couch today and I think we will be good! We moved with pretty much nothing so we have been finding some awesome things for pretty cheap! Just yesterday we found a pretty rugged blue dresser on the side of the road, we swooped it up and took it home. Took a quick trip to the hardware store got a can of black spray paint and made it look like new!! guess how much it cost= FREEEEEEEE!!!! It was sad saying good bye to my family, but Im so glad that we have their support, and i know how much they love us!!! They are all pretty excited to come to Seattle to visit! I went on a run this morning with Ali to the Freemont bridge, we got a good sweat going, we will get in those green running shorts... someday. hahaha Jeff and I can walk everywhere, last night we went and walked to get a coffee and see the city at night it was awesome and only a mile from our house! Everytime we go outside, we just cant believe we actually live here! We went to Gaswork Park and it was so beautiful!!! Jeff and I just looked out at the water and were thanking the Lord for all that he has blessed us with! Enjoy the pictures, we have to go look at a couch right now, I will give a better posting when I have a bit more time, but for now, look at our family goodbyes, the 22 hour drive up here, our new apartment, and some of the Seattle beauty!!!

Lots of Love xoxoxo

Our Trip To Seattle!

2010-03-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

sorry for the delay folks! this is going to be a little game of catch up! wooo so sit down, fasten your seat belts and lets take a little ride on the "what the heck is going on" train! This post is the one I would have written shortly after returning from our trip to Seattle, but with all of the goodbyes and packing I just couldnt find a moment to do this so... here it is!

It was so fun going on a plane ride with Jeff!! That is something we haven't done yet, so it was a the start of a great adventure!! We got up so early and Lexy and Catherine came and got us to take us to LAX. We zipped through the security and soon enough we were on our way to Seattle. We were in the very LAST row on the plane, behind a screaming child, Jeff really enjoyed it..... It was only a 2.5 hour flight and as soon as we began the decent into Seattle Jeff and I were like kids in a candy store!! We have googled the area so much that while we were in the sky we totally knew where everything was we oooooooed and ahhhhhhhhhed at the Space Needle, the Elliot Bay Bike Path, the Music Museum, Gas Works Park... it was awesome! We landed and Ali picked us up!! It was so refreshing seein the awesome Odessy pull up!!! YAYAYAYY

We had lunch at McMinnamins SOOO delicious! Jeff had some delicious beer and I had a delicious salad with this red dressing that was YUMMY! It was so nice to see the boys again, one of the greatest moments was when I got out of the van and Boston was like: "KATYYYYYYY" and ran to me down a pretty steep hill, well he couldn't stop on time so he just kept looking at me while running foward still with a HUGE smile on his face. Once he stopped he ran back and gave me a giant hug! it was awesome!

Willy and Ali took us all around that weekend, we walked downtown and saw this beautiful city! Seattle is so clean!! everyone rides bikes, runs, walks and recycles! It was awesome! we went to Pike Place market, it is just how I imagined!!! fresh flowers everywhere!! fresh fish (jeff loved, not me so much) awesome locally grown stuff, home made stuff ALL SORTS OF STUFF!!! There was some interesting people playing music, a man with rainbow hair!! hahaha

We drank some AMAZING coffee, seriously, Starbucks??? what is that??? Here we are at Vivaces I had the BIGGEST BAGEL of my life, and Im almost certain God made it himself!!!

These beauties are everywhere!!!! Im not even kidding, Seattle is GORGEOUS!!! it is so green, so fresh, the air is clean and crisp and on our trip it was SUNNY!! I think people just tell everyone it rains all of the time so that no one moves here....heheheheh

Look how BIG Boone is!!!! still as cute as ever!!!

The boys had a great time ridding on top of Jeff and Willy's shoulders!

Look at those Lobster tails... looks pretty sick to me, but Jeff was super into the fish!

Here is all of those flowers I was talking about, tulips GORG!!!!! Ten bucks gets you one of these beautiful bundles

Freshly made donuts!!! Jo had a great time chowin down on one of these sweet treats!

Nice little classic for ya!

THREE stories= HEAVEN!

Here is the apartment we looked at, at this point we didnt know it would actually become HOME!!

Its a nice basement cave!!!

Mount Rainier, Jeff wants to climb this crazy mountain!

Gosh, it is so GOOD

SUUUUUUUNNNNNN SO BEAUTIFUL!

Alison, you have been an amazing friend to me!! Thank you for always encouraging me and being there for me through this past CRAZY year! I think you're awesome, so awesome that I even used you in my interview as someone I look up to!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE you friend, thank you for being my friend!

Headin back to Cali...

my list

2010-02-24T13:49:00.000-08:00

As it gets closer to Seattle I can't help but sit at work and dream of all of the things I want to see and places I want to go! I know a lot of them are touristy, but seriously I don't even care, I'm going I want to see and explore! make up my own mind! so here is a little list!!! 16 days until we fly up and 24 days until we move for good!! so excited!!

First up, the Space Needle!! Who wouldn't want to visit this amazing, buildingish, skinny, cant even believe it stands, needle!! oh space needle, I will see you soon, and I will eat in your overpriced restaurant, and I will ooggle and google at your view, and I will take so many pictures, and make my husband kiss me on your outside deck!

I want to experience music/science fiction at this museum! I want to go there and do just that, experience! expand my brain, and see neat things! museum with your oddly shaped building, I will see you soon!

The Woodland Park Zoo!! I cannot wait to visit you!! where I can actually see the animals, where they aren't hiding, from the million degree sun!!! To you monkeys, I might mimic you, and look like a fool, but I will totally enjoy every second of it!

The Seattle Art Museum! I cannot wait to visit you!! I want to see all of your African, Native American & Modern art pieces! Just looking and your building makes me so excited!

Gas Works Park!!!! I saw you once on an episode of some show on MTV I don't remember what it was, but you were amazing! I thought to myself what a neat place, but now I get to see you!!!

Waterfall Gardens, just look at you in all of your beauty, I can imagine myself, right there in that chair to the far right reading a book, enjoying the sounds of the water, sipping unbelievably good coffee!

The Maritime Brewing Company, I want your beer. even though I probably won't like it, I would like to try it. enough said.

The boat locks! I have heard how awesome you are!! I want to see you raise those boats and get them along on their journey!!

Ride The Ducks of Seattle!! I did this in Missouri, which really what do you see there?? but it was AWESOME!! land to water, water to land and if you still get the squealing duck blower and a chance to drive the boat, I'm THERE!!!

The Troll!! You are so weird, how did you get there anyway?? and why are you eating a VW Bug??

The Elliott Bay bike path!!! I'm getting a road bike, and I cannot wait to ride on this path with my husband, he is awesomely excellent at cycling, me not so much, but I'm going to get good while practicing on this path!

Pike Place Market!! I can't believe I get to live close to you! I cant wait to taste your freshness, and hear all the hustle and bustle of people! Its just too dreamy!!
Well, there you have it! My list of things I want to see and do, I really can't believe we are actually doing it, taking a risk and going for something we want! I seriously cant wait!! and for the Bug Safari with Boston Jo and Boone!

xoxo
Katy

v-day picture post

2010-02-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

This is my Valentines Day post with pictures! YAY they are out of order, but oh well, I really need a lesson in blogging!! hahaha well, Sunday morning we woke up, I was reading my Bible in the living room sipping some coffee while Jeff slept in a little bit, then when he woke up he brought out my presents! He is seriously THE BEST! he got me these AWESOME Patagonia shoes I wanted, the soles slip off and they become really cute olive green flats, or they can be some pretty intense walking shoes! I also got really cute black heels, and a really cozy pair of gloves for our walks in Seattle! Then I gave him his gift, Man Vs. Wild on DVD! so we got cozy in bed and watched a few episodes!

Once we got our fill of Bear, we got ready and headed down to Islands to grab some lunch! oh Maui burger, you are so good, and sooo bad for me! it was delicious! then we walked around some stores and headed home to get ready for our dinner date!

we got all fancy, and headed into Laguna Beach for dinner, I had made a reservation for a really nice restaurant, but we never made it, the traffic was SO intense we gave up and went to Harbor House instead, which was SO delicious, I had the biggest piece of cheesecake! wow, this post is making me really sound like a heffy!

We had a wonderful night, walking and talking with the Ocean right next to us! we talked all about Seattle and how excited we are, the things we are looking forward to and the things that might be hard. I really love talking with my husband he sees things so much differently then I do and I think we balance each other well :)

The next day we got out the bikes and rode first to the U-Haul to price some trailers for our move and then to Flour Fusion! I must say the ride along Lake Shore was pretty scary, the bike lane... well it doesn't really exist! but we made it safely and had some delicious turkey sandwiches, fresh fruit, YUMMY iced tea and brownie! mmmmm so good!

Really though, the tea was so delicious!

this is my bike riding face, we are going to get me a rode bike for Seattle, I really enjoyed riding with Jeff, it is something he really loves, and I could definitely really love it too with a little more practice, we probably went about 8 miles! my booty hurt pretty bad!

Bike time!!!! after we got home we relaxed in the Jacuzzi then sat down to watch some of the Olympics! Jeff crashed and took a good cat nap! all in all we had a wonderful Valentines day! It was the best mostly because I got to spend it with my husband and for that I am so thankful!

These are my awesome new shoes, that whole grey part comes off and then it becomes a flat!

PS we sold Jeffs motorcycle, I was bummed because really he looks so SEXY on this thing, but right now its just not going to work for us, this is our memory picture of the Jeff on the bike!

This is in Laguna beach while we were waiting to eat some GRUB!

XOXOX

Kate

we are moooooooooooving

2010-02-19T12:01:00.000-08:00

I did it! It took a pinch of courage, a dash of bravery and a good swift kick in the booty, but I did it! I gave my notice at work, so now the count down begins!!! I do happy dances multiple times a day when I think about moving to Seattle! It brings me so much joy thinking about what this means for us. I am so excited to venture out with my husband, to go on this journey into a new place, I look forward to watching as our marriage grows and changes, flourishing in the misty weather! I cant wait to see new things with him, go new places and be close to our dear friends again! Those Bravenecs! They have such a special place in our hearts. They stuck by us through the roughest part of our lives, providing genuine solid friendship, honesty, encouragement and prayer. We are forever grateful for them! We are so excited to be close to them again, share life, laughs and food! hahahaha I really love food, what can I say! (weight watchers...)

So, just about three weeks until we fly up, and then week later, we drive up to stay! YESSSS! It is probably the most on a whim thing we have ever done, but I think it is exactly what we need. I am trusting in the Lord and my husband as we make this move!
SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!

prayer request

2010-02-16T12:05:00.000-08:00

oh so much excitement in the air! I have a couple of sweet pictures to post of our lovely valentines day weekend! so much fun! but, like you well know (whoever you are...Alison?) :) it takes twelve years to load pictures so it will have to be when I have a bit more time!

lets see, as of now, just a prayer request!!!! we are in the planning preparation for our move to Seattle, we are continually asking the Lord, for his timing, his will, and his perfect plan for us and this move! things are slowly and weirdly coming together as only God would have it! today Jeff called me and said "guess what?" to which i replied, "what?" then these words... "I got moved out of my department, and switched to another, isn't that great!"

it is, for this reason... Jeff's company was putting a lot of pressure on him to become the assistant manager of the uniform department at his store, one of those, we see a lot of potential in you, sort of things. which led him to wonder, well maybe we should stay... but God is answering our questions and prayers, it will now be a gagillion times easier for him to quit because really they don't even need him.

second, i got a response from the job im really hoping to get, i now have a meeting with the people who could potentially hire me on March 15 in the afternoon! im so excited because if i got this job it would be amazing!! i would be back in the classroom of an elementary school, something i REALLY love doing!!

so, im asking for prayer, just that God would still just guide us, and open all of the right doors as we take the steps forward to moving far away from everything! it is a real test of faith, but this adventure is so worth it! the way it is building my marriage closer and stronger is amazing!

so much love,

Katy!!

weekend pictures and some awesome stories to come! xoxo

yay! pictures!

2010-02-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

i know it has been long since over due!! a picture update of the things happening in my life! If it didn't take twelve years to load pictures onto this computer i definitely would have uploaded a few more, but enjoy!!

last night me, jen, lexy, seana, gwen and erin went out for girls night! first jen and i enjoyed some delicious italian food before the girls drove down from LE. it was so yummy and the conversation was great! jen is such a wonderful friend and i am so glad that she is in my life i mean really, look at that sweet face (below)... once the girls arrived we went to the movie theater in ocean side for some Dear John! i must say, i was sadly disappointed, i guess maybe i don't have much of a soft spot in my heart for women who aren't willing to fight to the end for their men... so dear john, thumbs down. boooooo!

we had a photo session in the crazy cut outs, then headed to In N Out for some mid night snacking!! it was fun, or "youthful" hanging out with all of those girls! oh, to be able to stay up until 2am without a care in the world, no work, no bills, no nothin! ha. but really it was a fun night!

last weekend jeff and i FINALLY had a day off together!! we woke up on Sunday, got dressed and headed down to the beach where we ate breakfast at the bagel shack! so yummy, melt in your mouth my goodness i love a swiss bagel!!! then we walked around this out door market they were having, we sat by the beach and enjoyed the amazing weather!!! then we headed back over the ortega, but stopped because jeff wanted to show me the "ponds" i have always heard of them but have never seen them! it was pretty awesome, and with the recent rain, they were flowing! we climbed around a bit, jeff of course had to go climb the huge bridge... oh my husband lives for a good adventure! after we got home we gathered up our pup and took him for a stroll around the outlet! he really is a show stopper and he really doesn't mind all of the attention! he behaved so well too! Jeff did a really good job training the little rascal!

we are getting so excited as we prepare for our journey to Seattle!!! we love to explore together, and I'm sure the ponds have nothing on Seattle and what it has to offer our adventurous sides!

look there he is climbing.... we were trying to figure out how all of those gangsters tag all over that bridge, looks like you would definitely need some sort of harness??? hahaha my gangsta skills... ZERO (well, besides booty shakin!)

my brother Jacob, had his explorer awards recently! i was just so proud of him, i got to watch him do his little check thing where they inspect his uniform and how he is standing and all that jazz, then we watched him get his awards!! he got a promotion in rank too, now he is EXPLORER SERGENT DRABEK! i was just so tickled! all of my brothers and sisters are getting so OLD! jacob and seana both got their drivers license!! look out people on the road!! lexy is turning 20 this year! sean is hitting the double digits, taylor is so tall and has arm pit hair!! what the heck!!!! i really love all of them so much and am so proud to be their sister!

my dad finally took me on my birthday date! (with flowers) good job dad! it was really fun, we went to cosi because I just LOVE it!!! my dad, well not so much, i think he would have rather had a huge burrito or something, but none the less, his little appetizer sandwich was good! We had a good time, laughing and talking! i really enjoy spending time with my dad, and wish we did it more often.

with jeff and i so stoked on moving we are in SELLING MODE! this is jeff manning the yard sell we double whammied with Jenni! it was a SUCCESS! we totally got ran sacked by all of the early bird yard sellers! we made 300 bucks! we sold a vacuum, a snow board, snow boarding boots, and now our bed! good bye california king, hello two twins pushed together!!! hahahahahahha i was thinking bunk beds, but jeff wont go for it!

its ok, we have had a lot of "things" but no things are worth anything more then my marriage! and having a tight relationship with my husband, I'm looking forward to starting new & fresh! who needs stuff anyways right?!

i seriously love these girls! jen and i went ot listen to caty play with tiffany and aaron a couple weeks ago, they did so GOOD!!! caty has so much talent, and i was just so taken back! all of these secret things i didn't know! both of them can make me laugh until i pee, cry and pass gas! its seriously an ab work out any time we hang out together!

research is our number 1 game right now! we went to B&N to research seattle, we sat with tons of books, getting so excited for all of the things we want to do and see! i love this about my husband, its a double edge sword! he really has to research and know as much as he possibly can about something before he does it! he looks at apartments, searches for jobs, looks for things to do, places to see, EVERYTHING about seattle. calculating always the cost, writing things down, printing things out, making phone calls all the time! i love it because i know that we will be fine, he is a good leader and i feel safe following him, but sometimes i just want to spend time with HIM minus the computer/phone/calculator/printer/book... but really he is pretty amazing, and i love him so much!

hello Seattle! we are coming for you!!!!

I might have a job offered to me in the beginning of April, please pray for God's will and timing for our move up to Seattle!

life is good, and i am so thankful for so much! God's promises are true and i have never believe that more now!!

xoxo

Kate

saving.waiting.hoping.dreaming. searching searching searching...

2010-02-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

Apartment searching can be stressful! Jeff and I have been looking at apartments like crazy!! either I find a job and we move right away or we wait until we save a certain dollar amount and then we are Seattle bound! The hard part is trying to apply for jobs or look for an apartment in a place you don't live yet! eeeekkkkk!!! sometimes you just wanna rip your hair out! BUT we are determined!! we both are constantly in dream land thinking about Seattle and all the things we want to do and see.

there is no better time then now, all we gotta do is save.

SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE!!!!!!

Luckily we have some pretty amazing friends in Seattle who are totally helping us out, by keeping their eyes peeled and emailing us lots of apartments and job openings!! THANK YOU ALI!!! you seriously are the best, and we cant wait to get up there and be close enough eat dinner together again!!!! and we can have knitting night!! oh please, i cant wait!!!

If you think to pray, pray that the Lord would just line it all up, his timing, his way

Kate

excuses. changes.

2010-02-05T11:35:00.000-08:00

so here is my dilemma with posting:

1. every time I go to my blog, I look at the picture and it really bothers me that I couldn't make it do what I wanted it to. I don't understand how to do the whole personalized thing. so it frustrates me.

2. my laptop died, therefor it is harder for me to upload pictures, and really who wants to read a blog with no pictures...

3. my life is consumed with work. you would think, oh bank teller no biggie, well I'm learning so much and our branch is so small that we have to do a lot of non teller things, by the end of the day my brain feels like oatmeal, all soggy and runny. I'm tired, and the other two previous reasons, make me go "ugh" and not post.

i guess that's all really?? but i want to blog more, especially now with new changes on the horizon!!

I'm at work right now, and a second ago it dawned on me! I feel like i never left work, like I'm here all the time!! wake up, get ready, drive, work, drive, home, eat, shower, sleep repeat.

i wish we didn't need jobs, i want to see the world, explore, go somewhere new, be excited about where I am, know that at the end of the day i lived that day completely fulfilled, now, don't get me wrong, i understand spiritual fulfillment, and know that the very essence of who i am is dependant on my ongoing, life fulfilled relationship with the Lord.

but I'm talking about life, not just being alive in it, but living it! experiencing it! the Lord has given my husband and i a second chance at our life together and i don't want to waste it. I want to make memories with him, go new places, travel, eat new foods, drink new things (delicious espresso) laugh, walk places, ride bikes, get outside, say "we've been there" "we've done that" I want to have memories to share with our children, about there parents and how they enjoyed life!

and then someday, add those little tots in and make them apart of this adventure, let our children touch, feel, explore and play in this world that God has gifted us with.

I feel trapped right now. trapped on the freeway stuck in traffic, trapped in my little station at my job, where there isn't even a window open, no sunshine. my soul is dying to breathe and get out!!

SO

we are working on it. saving all of our pennies, looking for jobs, and checking out schools in WA. its time, and no time is better then now, to run freeeeeeee!

xo kate

here we go!

2009-12-23T12:24:00.000-08:00

well my friends, as I sit and ponder the life of my blog I think I can say that there have been seasons... There are really sad, dark posts that when I read now I think, eh, bummer. There are posts that are very transparent, when I read I think, wow, I can believe I posted that for the world to see, there are hopeful posts, that when I re-read remind me that the Lord is still by my side and still wants to grow and change me, and there are posts of miraculous things that have taken place in my life and in my marriage... Those are some pretty different seasons... If I had a title for the season I am in now, it would be... "WHERE THE RUBBER HITS THE ROAD" I spent, 9 months dissecting myself, digging deep down into the ugly hidden pits that make up me, and worked through some junk. I looked at my past, my failures and mistakes, and had to deal with some consequences and really learn from them.. I think the biggest thing, and what affects me most now, is my role as a wife, a help meet. I had 9 months to think, "if I ever get the chance, I'll do it like this..." or "I'll never do that again!" or "I cant believe I was like that!"... well, the if I ever get the chance again, is here (PRAISE GOD) but, it is hard! Its one thing to think something, and to say that you know what to do, and it is another to actually DO it!

My job is to help, submit, respect and love. To treat him in a loving manner, to cherish and enjoy him! God's word is pretty simple, "wives submit to your husbands, husbands love your wives"... at times, I feel old tendencies rise up in me. I will submit and love you when.. you ______ fill in the blank. or if I'm not feeling loved by you then I'm not going to be very sweet...
ITS ALL WRONG. I am not his holy spirit... repeat it with me: I AM NOT HIS HOLY SPIRIT. if anyone is going to do a work in his heart it is going to be the Lord, the same God who has radically and continues to change my heart. My job is not to check in on how he is doing, to remind him, "well honey, that wasn't very nice, ya know God's word says: husbands love your wives.." my job: love him love him love him! when he is nice, sad, mad, cheery, funny, hurt, moody, hungry, tired.... always always always! I'm reading. (that's a surprise!) a very helpful book and she has a pretty awesome acronym for wife:

W arm up his life with your love

I mprove his life as a helper
F ollow his leadership
E steem him highly with utmost respect

I desire to be the kind of wife that God calls me to be, because then I know that I will be completely satisfied in my marriage, I will be blessed by my obedience, and I will have a deep love and connection with him! I think we miss it when we get far from the basics. We put conditions and limits, we get stuck in the call for women's Independence junk, or we just forget. Its simple, love him love him love him!

I'm writing once again, to track my thoughts as I learn, and to share with my fellow bloggers my ponderings! or maybe to encourage someone. So, don't loose hope when he would rather, watch a football game then sip coffee and talk about deep issues, smile at that handsome man, grab him a beer and give him a wink! ; )

update

2009-12-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

whats new... Well, I turned 22! That was pretty sweet. I enjoyed a simple birthday, after work my sweet husband brought a pizza and some delicious cheesecake!! we laughed and ate and snuggled! It was pretty perfect! I feel like I have been so BUSY these days! I practically live at work, get up-work-go home-eat-sleep-work! But I have a good job that pays the bills! woo! Spending lots of time with my love, most of the time laughing our pants off!! hmm... well not literally, well sometimes i guess ;)

Yesterday, was really exciting, I got to break my ring out of JAIL! It has been at the jewelry store getting fixed, I haven't had it for 9 months! One of the side diamonds fell out while I was at Joe's Crab Shack!! luckily, it fell out while I was touching it!! otherwise, imagine trying to find a diamond at Joe's in the middle of the "chicken dance" or the YMCA??!!! (oh and the strobe lights!) goodness me! So thankfully, I kept it all together, took it to the jeweler and got it fixed! I picked it up yesterday, and boy oh boy!! ain't she a beauty!! and the special lights in those stores that make everything sparkle brighter!! be still my heart! I'm so glad to have my ring back, and what it represents!!

I have spent some pretty good times with friends also, the new moon/ravioli night was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! the food, the movie, the friends, the laughs!! so good. Getting ready for Christmas now! and have I done any shopping??? that's a NEGATIVE. yup I'm a last minute sorta gal! I have got plenty of time..... :/

So that's my lil update on life, as I sit at work, keepin the bank honest! pictures soon, real soooooon!!

So much love and joy my heart could burst sun rays!!

xoxo

Katy

with a thankful heart

2009-11-30T13:33:00.000-08:00

This picture was taken on Thanksgiving just 4 days ago, and my heart is so thankful that I got to take this picture. This is my husband, my precious man that God has given me the gift of being his wife! I was especially thankful this year, because we are still together. My friends, our God is so good. He is good, He is good, He is good!!! I thank God everyday for this red bearded man! Boy, have I missed him! Its so nice to just look at him. I think he might think I'm a little strange because sometimes when he sleeps I just look at him. His freckles, all of the colors in his beard the random white hairs and dark black hairs, his eye lashes and how they curl at the end his little nose, his culdesacs they way he twitches when he is falling asleep... yeah, writing that makes me feel like a creep, but its been awhile so I soak up every second I get to spend with him. I have missed him. His laugh, the way I think pretty much everything he says is hilarious, the faces he makes, the words he uses, his silly little dance moves. I enjoy riding in the truck next to him, singing the country songs he likes, making him dinner, rubbing his back, scratching his head and kissing his cheeks. I get to love him. I don't have to, I get to! I am so thankful to God for this man! He is such a good man, and watching the Lord change him, grow in him and make him new, is something beautiful! and then, watching as God uses him in our marriage, to be the head, to be the leader is wonderful. God is so so good!

I am thankful that God was my strength to persevere and wait for this man. That God has revealed so much to me. That God has given me this deep love and a strong desire to be the best wife I can be.

I know I will make mistakes, I know I still have so much to learn, but I also know the feeling of almost loosing the most important person in my life. I know how it feels to think, "i should have" or "if only"... not this time.

I am so excited to see how the Lord uses our story, our journey, my prayer is that God will always be glorified, in our success and in our failure.

This thanksgiving there was so much to be thankful for, new chances, new beginnings, a restored union, love & God's...

Grace & Forgiveness

and for those two I am so thankful

I have been waiting to write this...

2009-11-15T07:16:00.000-08:00

I write this post a little beside myself... Im not sure if this is all the best dream I have ever had in my life and shortly I will wake up, back into my hopeless reality... It is not a dream. This is real. God is working, I have cried out to the Lord for such a long time, asking and pleading for Him to return my love. It is strange how God works, his timing and such. When I had finally given him back to the Lord, fully surrendering his life and our marriage to God, when I had finally become ok with who I am, with my relationship with the Lord, knowing that if I were to be a single divorced woman I would be ok, it wasn't until fully becoming ok with life and sustained in my relationship with my ultimate hubby, did God bring my love back around. I am in awe. I am fully amazed. The Lord has shown me to NEVER EVER underestimate what He can do. To never lose hope, to always continue in faith, to never give up. And when it looks hopeless, keep going, keep pushing, keep praying keep calling out to your heavenly father who hears you and looks on you with loving eyes. He has a plan. We fail to think that He could really do the impossible so we give up. I am thankful that with HIS strength I never gave up. because the blessing is far more then I could ever ask. Its not perfect and we have so much work to do. It is scary, and we are starting at square one, but I am blessed and thankful, that I get to see that face, hold those hands, hear that voice, and live my life with him. God thank you so much!

Its a story that is still continuing it is not over, this is where the rubber hits the road and the real hard work begins, but I know that God is going to honor and bless our marriage. Please continue to pray for us! (I said US not ME.) oh, im so thankful for that!

Pray for our journey...

i have learned about me

2009-11-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

I have realized a couple of things about myself this morning... I was doing my Bible study and reading through about David, this man after God's own heart, and I have realized I am after God's heart.

It is easy to love someone when times are good. What about when things get hard? What about when everything seems to be falling apart? I think it is more of a test of love when you can love someone through the hard points in life. 9 months ago God began a work in my heart. He began to teach me what it really means to love another human being with everything you have, with your whole heart. It starts first with learning how to love God with your whole heart. I am so in love with my savior. My first love, the lover of my spirit. I have never trusted the Lord, had more faith or more hope in God, then I do now, and always will. He has proven himself to me (not like He ever had to). He has loved me through my sin, He loved me when I was lost, He never once gave up on me or lost hope in me. He was relentless in His pursuit for me. I am so glad He loves me that much, because I came home. I ran back and in His arms is where I want to stay...

That, is how I strive to love. That is how I want to love him. I could have given up 9 months ago, when the pursuit of our love got hard. I could have given up, when he said he was done. When he said he didn't want me. When he chose to do other things. When he completely pushed me out. I could have given up. I could have become bitter. I could have said horrible things. I could have gotten mad.

I didn't.

Because, the more and more I fall in love with Jesus, the more I fall in love with him, and can see past all of his worldly foolishness. I see past that and see a glimpse of who the Lord created him to be. he is a good man. and as my love grows daily for the Lord, my love grows daily for him.

against what many people have said to me about this pursuit I have been on, I continue. I am devoted, to my love. I gave him my heart, he is worth this continual fight. Our marriage and who I know someday God will make him is worth it to me.

I have learned, that my true character has been revealed the past 9 months, and though I am not perfect, I have learned that with the Lord, I am strong. I am a fighter. I don't quit when it gets hard, my love for him is pure and unconditional. and if I could make it through something like this and come out better then I was before, then hopefully I am worth keeping.

hopefully I am worth the risk to pursue, and see the change that has taken place in my life. I am worth it. I was worth it to the Lord, who never gave up on me..

It is easy to love someone when things are hard, it is a true test of love when you can love someone and continue to love them more through the hard things. This is how God calls us to love,

this is how I will love.

Dear, Me.

2009-11-03T22:25:00.000-08:00

releasing my thoughts here until they can be released to who they are for...don't be confused.

I was going through some old letters... and I came across this one, I thought I would share it. It is so sweet, and I really appreciated it and loved it when it was written to me. I was in a very dark sad place when this letter was given to me. It makes me sick to think about that area of my life but, causes me to rejoice in what the Lord has brought me out of... Why I want to share this letter is for the highlighted areas...

"...I also miss how grounded you where with your relationship with Jesus! You lit up an had a fire for Him. I wanted that soooo bad and fell in love with that. Were going through a rough road in life right now, but i am trusting in Jesus to lead us through it! Do the same, find Him, search Him, listen. I believe were meant to grow and learn a life time with Jesus and share that with our spouse, then grow together,, as one, the way he designed it! Just know I'm trying hard, this i believe will take a long time. I pray for you daily, and hope you find that love again and bring it into our lives. I love you completely for who you are, Jesus loves you tremendously! I'm writing this while you are sleeping, so sleep tight, sweet dreams and see you in the morning. love, me"

I wanted to say thank you to you, Mr.Me. Thank you for praying, you said you prayed daily for me, that I would find Jesus, that I would search for Him, that I would listen to Him and that I would know how much He loves me! Thank you so much for all of your prayers... This struggle has brought me back to my Savior. back to my first love. Though I still pray for a miracle, and I pray for you daily, if going through all of this and making the mistakes I have made was to bring me back to the Lord, then it is pain not wasted. I am grateful that we serve the God of reconciliation, restoration and healing. Pastor Gary said Sunday, "Nothing is impossible with God!"

I believe that.

I love you very much ME with all of my heart, thank you so much for all of your prayers... They weren't wasted. I pray someday God would answer mine.

Recent Happening!

2009-10-22T19:47:00.000-07:00

So, I don't have anything witty or semi wise to say... Just some pictures of life and the joys that God is bringing to me!! So, enjoy : )

Going on a date with my brother, well it was for his birthday, but still I love him so much and I am so thankful God has given me such a wonderful brother!

Getting my bank outfits together!! Spending WAYYYY to much money on new clothes, but its legit right??? I need work clothes!! :/

Screwing around in the hospital with my sister!!! clicking the little beeper, blowing up latex gloves, putting these squeezie leg things on, watching Dr. OZ... ahahhah

Taking care of my mom after her surgery. I love her so much and Im glad she is feeling much better. I didnt like seeing her all hooked up to a bunch of stuff, no fun.

I did the walk for life with Jen and Denny in Lake Elsinore, it was really fun and I raised over 200 dollars!! I also did relay for life which supports the research for breast cancer : )

spending time with my beauty sisters!! they are so lovely and amazing and i just am so grateful for them!

My mom! she just makes me laugh, and I love making her laugh so hard she almost pees... well sometimes she might just let a little go....

having my "celebration dinner!" celebrating QUITTING starbucks!!! YAY

hanging out with fantastic friends! Royce making me laugh all the time and seeing Matt, who turns out to have a ton of jokes! : )

JENNY! my weeks just aren't the same unless I spend some friend time with her! she lets me feel exactly what I need to feel in any moment. sometimes, I get pissed and wish I didnt care about anything and the next moment, Im crying because my heart is in pieces, and she is there to talk, listen and eat loads of food with!! xoxo

my last picture at the drive thru window!!! SO NOT sad about that, but look how cute I am in my apron... right?

My friend Sarah! Seriously , I love her! she is an amazing friend and she is constantly pointing me back to the Lord! She has a pretty rad husband Mike, I really like spending time with them!

Loving my family!

I just have been spending lots of time with family and friends! I just started my new job at Pacific Western Bank, I am down in San Diego right now until I move to the Bonsall office.. I really am enjoying it! Im just learning and growing and taking things one day at a time! I love who I am becoming and the best part is, God isn't done with me!!! YAY

Still hoping and praying, but ready to accept whatever unfolds before me. I am strong, better yet, God is strong in me!

YAY

Lots of love,

Katy!

Growing

2009-10-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

"God, change me not my circumstances! There will be NO stale crackers in this Honda!"

This is the quote that is in my car right now on the dashboard where I can see it daily!

A couple of days ago I had an "Ah-ha" moment! I was reading in my book (Separated and waiting) the chapter was actually on choosing not to worry but she wrote in there that God wants to change us not our circumstances.

Well I really thought about that. I thought about who I was 7 months ago versus now. There has been a lot of change, a lot of growth and I am so happy and blessed at the work the Lord has been doing in my life! But, I was thinking if I never changed, if I was always who I was then and God just constantly changed my circumstance, I would be the same old stale cracker, just in different situations. Well, that's just NOT OK!

Instead of asking God to change my situation, which I wish He would... I'm asking that He continues to change me! so that instead of getting a new circumstance, I can be NEW in my current circumstance!! God is so good. The refiners fire is a good place to be :)

I want to move forward, God is making me into the woman He created me to be. I like her. and I like that its a LIFE long process, He isn't done!!!

what is right isn't always easy

2009-10-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

Joseph.

The story of Joseph in the Bible is a beautiful one, filled with love and forgiveness. In my book I am reading, called Love by, Calvin Miller, told of the beauty of forgiveness. The scripture reference is Genesis chapter 50 verses 19-21 "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear I will provide for you and your little ones. Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them."

Joseph was telling this to his brothers, who hated him, who wanted to kill him but instead sold him, and abandoned him. They did evil to him. They hurt him. They did not deserve his forgiveness for what they had done.

I love when Joseph says, you meant it for evil but God meant it for good. We all face trials. We all get hurt. People WILL hurt us, especially the ones we love the most tend to hurt us the worst. Its because we are sinful humans. It's inevitable. But here is the thing, the thing I hope to always understand, the thing that Joseph learned to understand is that:

God will never waste our pain.

What happened to Joseph sucked. It hurt. He was let down. He was betrayed. He was wronged. But God used that for good. God used all he had been through to shape his character and refine him.

I must remember this. God will not waste my pain. I want everything I have been through to bring glory to the Lord. I hope and pray that he would come to understand this. That God sees his pain. That if only he would turn to Him, He will provide everything he needs to get through this.

"It insults the forgiving heart of our heavenly father when we do not forgive one another."

"How much does the kingdom of God suffer when we are unforgiving? our FAILURE TO FORGIVE OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST HOLDS BACK GOD'S DREAMS FOR OUR FUTURE."

I don't want to insult the Lord, or take for granted the Cross by not forgiving nor, do I want to not experience God's dreams for my life here on earth because I am too stubborn or prideful, hurt or afraid to forgive.

forgiveness is hard, especially when we have been hurt by a loved one, but God is with us, He is with me and He provides everything I need to do His will.

No matter what happens I'm glad that the Lord has been teaching me what it means to have a forgiving heart.

september 29, 2009

2009-10-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

I always hoped this day wouldn't come.
I thought about it, and have tried to mentally prepare myself, but how do you, really.
The end of a dream. The end of a promise. The end of a vow. The end.
I keep trying to tell myself, hang in there, you never know what can happen, things can change...
I feel like that is keeping me from moving. from going forward. from figuring out how I am going to be ok.

false hope?

I don't know? God has been everything to me through this whole thing, and His hope is not false. I have given it to Him. He knows my heart, He knows his heart. He knows my desire. I am still in it. I will still wait. I am still committed. I still am trusting.
a paper doesnt change the way I feel. a paper doesn't change my mind. The value of this person in my life is worth far more than a piece of paper.

I am so thankful that I have a loving God who is holding my broken heart, who is catching my tears. and who knows the begining and the end. I trust. I have faith.

"Sure belief and trust."

hope injection.

2009-09-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

"Faith, sure belief and trust."

"Separation removes you from some of the constant pressures of conflict. It permits self examination in which emotions can be separated from behavior. In short it places you in an arena where you can develop a new understanding of yourself and your spouse..."

God is so good. Its funny how when I am constantly praying to be in His will, He is so faithful to put me there. The past week has been a hard week, yet again. I think with all that is so unresolved there will always be this empty space in my heart and in my life... but some weeks are just a bit more of a struggle, so this week was one of them... I prayed, "Lord, please bring my heart some encouragement and some hope" and I asked some of my close friends if they would just pray for my week... They must have prayed and God must have heard me and my dear friends! He has given my hope once again...

Last night, I was taking care of a friend who just had surgery, I was there until her husband got home to take over. When he got home he had so much love, care and concern for his wife. He kissed her, asked her how she was, got her food, medicine did everything he could to make sure she was comfortable... it was so sweet, and I was so happy that she has a man who really cares about her and loves her. I left their house, and though I was happy for them as I drove I could feel it. The wave. You see, I used to cry everyday, when I would wake up and when I would go to sleep... Now it comes in waves... and as I was driving home, I was fighting it... but my body, my mind and my heart grew weak of being strong and holding it in, and I began to cry. My heart longs for my love, not just LOVE but MY LOVE... this man that I committed my life and my heart to...

So, defeated by emotion, exhausted from thinking and crying I went home, sat in the middle of my room, and just thought, "Lord, what is going to happen." I decided that, though I didn't feel like reading or doing anything that I knew would be good for my spirit, I went against my fleeting feelings, took a shower, got dressed and drove to Starbucks to read. As I drove there, I prayed, "God, I need you. Inject my heart with hope, speak to me, I want to listen, I need to hear you."

God is good.

I arrived at Starbucks, got my usual (green tea unsweetened with 3 raw sugars :) ) and sat down and opened my new book. SIDE NOTE: I order all of my books through http://www.cbd.com/ and they usually take awhile to get here, but I ordered 2 books and they arrived within 3 or 4 days!! that never happens... but these books have been so helpful and essential for where I am at in life... So, I'm sitting there reading and this young man approaches me to ask me what I am reading, I felt a bit awkward because of the title of the book, so I said "oh, you know, just a self help book..." and he asked well what is it called, so sheepishly I help up the book so I didn't have to read it out loud... "Separated and Waiting, how to survive marital separation" by, Jan Northington. He said, "Oh.. I'm so sorry..."

He began to tell me that he felt like God was asking him to come over and encourage me. We talked all about going through struggle and how faithful God is to be everything we need. How in our deepest darkest struggles is where God finds us and changes us. We talked about grace and forgiveness and how understanding salvation and what it means for us personally is essential. He remined me of how much the Lord loves me, and that He will work all things together for my good. It wasn't weird, he wasn't a weirdo and I didn't sense his intentions for talking to me were anything but to encourage me with God's word.

It was just what I needed to hear. I drove to my friends house so thankful that God had spoken to me through this guy and that I had received my injection of hope...

Well, God wasn't done.

Today, at church I was further encouraged. God's message to the body at Lambs was all about never giving up. It was based off of the passage in Luke 18:1 "He told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and never lose heart."

He asked what have you been praying for that you have lost hope for or have given up on? He said what is it that God said to you when He asked you to pray for whatever you were praying for? He went on to further speak on the topic, but the whole time I was so encouraged because,

I have not given up.

at the end he asked anyone who resonated with the message and knows that they have given up on something or someone and needs to start praying and recommit that to God to come forward. I didn't have to go forward. I know that the only reason I am still in this and haven't given up is because of the Lord, because of his love and strength in me. For me, the message was God's way of giving me a push, reminding me He is still in control and that what I am doing is still what He wants me to do:

Be patient, wait and let me work.

I was so encouraged today. I don't have to worry, I know who is in control, this is so out of my control.

The only one who can change hearts and mind is God. He changed mine and He has every ability to change his... I believe someday He will. His timing. His way.

God is good. I am so thankful for His love and my growing relationship with him. I am learning to love like He loves. He NEVER gives up on us. He NEVER says, "sorry I have waited too long." He loves us UNCONDITIONALLY. and we can ALWAYS come back to him. That's how I want to love him.

be blessed, know you are loved.

Katy. Hill

ripples.

2009-09-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

My dear friend has this book called Streams in the desert, or something like that, It has an encouraging passage for each day of the year and everyday before I leave the house I pick it up and read the passage for the day... Well the begining of this entry started with this... "When we are waiting..." ugh. waiting. I closed the book and put it back on the table... but something in me, (my loving father) was like, go, read it! So before I left I went back and read it... This is what really stood out to me.

"For God's vision to be impressed on our hearts, we must sit in stillness at His feet for quite a long time. Remember the troubled surface of a lake will not reflect an image."

It just painted the most beautiful picture in my mind... I have heard of a couple things that really brought sorrow and pain to my heart the past couple of days. Things that leave me feeling heartbroken, abandoned and hurt... But I am reminded to sit before the Lord, and while these things are like a bunch of rocks being thrown into a lake, like many little ripples, I see the need for quiet. God speaks in the stillness of our hearts, in the quiet of our day....

1Kings 19:11-12

"Go out and stand before me on the mountain" the Lord said. And as Elijah stood there the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there the sound of a gentle whisper."

God is in the stillness and quiet. This is where my heart gets full of His love and His grace. This is when He continues to shape me and mold me. Where He is continuing to create in me a new woman, the woman He had in mind when He thought of me. This is where I can take all of the ripples in my life and there the Lord makes the waters still, and I see His heart, and where His heart is, is where I want my heart to be.

Seek Him, find Him in the quiet.

Staying in the eye.

2009-09-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

It is interesting, trying to leave everything behind. You think if you can just skip out of life for awhile, leave the city, leave the county, leave the state, then maybe just maybe, your hurts will be gone. The wounds will some how magically seal up. The heaviness will get lighter, you will be back to normal again... I'm home now. Turns out, it is all still there. It doesn't go away... So, I refocus, set my eyes on the Lord, and I ask... "why?" and "when will I get an answer?"...

In Texas, they get some really bad thunder and lightning storms. Every time the sky would turn blackish grey I thought for sure we were going to have a tornado, well we didn't, just some pretty intense rain. The tornado got me thinking... Everything about a tornado is out of control. The winds are intense. The rain is fierce. Its like someone turned up the volume and there is just a whirlwind of chaos all around. Things are flying everywhere. People are afraid. It's just pure out of control. At the center or the eye of the tornado, it is still. This is where I find myself, if my life were a natural disaster, it might be a tornado. Everything is swirling out of control, I have no idea where I will be tomorrow, next week, 2 months or a year... I just don't know.

Today was rough for me. coming back here, after spending some much needed time with my family in TX. it has been hard... because here I am again, waiting. not being able to see what lies outside the walls of my tornado. Not knowing what is to become of my life. will I spend it with this man I love? Will he decide to choose me? Tons and tons of questions rack my brain daily. and really, if I spent my day pondering them I would go nuts... So, I find that I have to stay in the eye of the tornado.

This is where my God is. He is in the center, in the calm, in the quiet of my life when it is spinning out of control. He has control. I will trust Him.... I will remember my commitments, and I will stick to them. I will not give into my feelings and emotions, I have learned they are here than gone, I will continue to press on with what my heart truly desires. God knows... He is still teaching me complete dependency on Him. God, I am so thankful for your faithfulness, thank you for never giving up on me, and being a God of restoration, reconciliation and healing. You can do ALL things. Let my heart always be willing to take a chance on your plan, no matter how scary it looks or what it might cost. Let my eyes always be on you. You are good...

changing

2009-09-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

This has been an interesting month for me. Today, it was a little bit cooler and something about the air outside is changing. A little cleaner, a little lighter, a little crisper, not much but just a little bit more like fall. Things are also changing inside of me... Much has happened this past month. You go from hoping, praying, wishing, thinking only good things keeping your heart and mind in good spirits. Not knowing is sometimes better. but the seasons are changing and so am I. I must say this past week has been a challenge for me. My eyes have been opened to the reality of the situation I find myself. I guess before I wasn't really ok with things, I didn't believe them to be true. But, it is true. This is how it is going to be. This is where i am at. I have seen a different side of things. a revealing of where this precious soul is. It is a dark and lonely place, I cannot help. All I can do is pray. Before I could only hope for the best, that things were progressing in a positive way, well, it seems they're not. more of a regression. So, I was discouraged on Friday of last week. and then Saturday through Thursday more discouragement. I felt let down. worthless. angry. sad. hurt. rejected. depressed. alone. My eyes left my father. He finally answered my prayers by allowing me to see, I guess I just didn't want to see what I saw. but

he is faithful.

This is what I learned...

When I set my eyes on myself I feel sad, hurt, alone, let down, worthless, prideful, woe is me, angry... When I set my eyes on him I feel mad, sad, depressed, discouraged, frustrated, hurt... When I set my eyes on the Lord He is faithful, I feel hopeful, encouraged, worthy, forgiven, showered in grace, reminded of his promises... When I keep my eyes on him I remember that He has a plan for my life. that I am new. That I have taken off my old self and have put on my new self. That I was not made with a spirit of fear. That He works all things together for good. That He is fighting for me. That He loves me and wants to bless me if I am obedient to follow His will....

I will keep my eyes there.

God is good.

I am reminded of what God showed me almost 7 months ago... He reminded me of Noah, and how God gave him a plan and a something to do... It required Noah to have faith and wait on God for 120 years! God reminded me that I said I would wait. I said I would be patient. I said I would give him time. I said that I would love unconditionally. I asked God to stretch me, grow me, and create in me a woman that would be pleasing to Him.

I am reminded.

I will press on, keeping my eyes focused on the Lord. On HIS will, and the things unseen. I am learning the power of prayer, and waiting patiently.

No matter what, my love for the Lord will not waiver, I never want to leave His side.

Here we go

2009-08-25T21:06:00.000-07:00

Good Bye...

To you room. You have been good to me, at first it was strange, you were so unfamiliar, but as time went on, as I climbed the stairs walked down the hall and opened your door, you became home to me. You have been a good room. Thank you.

Thank you for letting me cry all over your carpet, thank you for being squishy so when I fell to my knees you cushioned my fall. Thank you for having the most amazing breeze at night as I tried to fall asleep but was up thinking...

Thank you for being a good room. I'll miss you.

This is my whole life in boxes. I must say I have gotten good at packing, I packed my life up in just 3 hours... I am moving. I found another room to rent that is closer to my work which will save me money on gas, and the rent is cheaper which is great for me! Starbucks barely cuts it for me...

I am not where I want to be. I miss him. I want him to be here, I want to get through this with him... but I cannot change him. He is somewhere, doing something... So, I am here... I am learning and growing, changing and embracing struggle, embracing growth, embracing my faults, admitting my weakness, facing my fears, and holding tight to the hand of my God, my loving God who has got me so tight in His hands.

So, even though I am scared, and I am not where I want to be, I know I am exactly where He would have me be! I have to have risky faith, not just hearing the God's word and saying I believe it, but actually living it. trusting it. following it and Him.

rest in His arms.

I will always remember this part of my life, though I wish I could've avoided it completely, I have never been more in love with my savior. He has scooped me up. and He is healing my heart.

free fall of life.

2009-08-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

Trust? Faith? Crazy?...
Today I took the long way home, around the lake, and as I was driving I saw some people sky diving... I was watching as they were gliding through the air, some of them seemed like they were out of control, their bodies flinging about through the air, they looked like they were going to land right smack dab in the middle of the road, or some, looked like they were falling way too fast... all I could think was "how crazy"... who just jumps out of a plane? who has that much faith, or trust that its going to be OK, that they're not going to plummet to their deaths or land in the middle of the road and get hit by a semi-truck, how are they able to just hop on out of a plane and feel like its a grand plan? what trust...
well, then it got my wheels a turnin'...and I started to think about Jesus... sometimes the way He calls us to live is kind of like jumping out of a plane, you have to be all in! because more then likely the way He calls us to live is crazy, its not easy, it doesn't always make sense in the moment, sometimes it feels like we are plummeting to our very own deaths... but He has control, He is the parachute that carrys us, only the good thing about Jesus is we never have to doubt whether or not He is going to open, the Jesus parachute ALWAYS opens, we just have to pull the cord! hmmm... sometimes we are falling, and falling fast, sometimes there are those that smash into the ground all because they never pulled the cord, the cord isn't going to pull itself, we have to pull it! Jesus is there!
I cant imagine my life 6 months ago if I never pulled my Jesus cord! I would be smashed pancake on the ground.
I love this about Jesus, He isn't going to force us, he isn't going to make us do something or make us choose Him! we have to choose him for our selves, we have to recognize our need, our desperate need for a parachute in life's free fall from a plane...

OK, that was a ramble, I had like a million light bulbs going off all at once! oh dear... circles, its how I communicate.

<3
The girl who is not going to crash and die.
Katy. H

no matter what, I am thankful.

2009-08-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

This is me... In 12 days it will be exactly 6 months since my life unwraveled... it has been quite a long six months for me, and much has happened. A lot of change has taken place, my job, my place of living, my family, my friends, my church, relationships, some gone and the arrival of new ones... pretty much everything that I thought was my life has changed... The biggest change though, has been ME... I am not the same. God has taken six months of my life, and will continue to do so for the rest of forever, and HE has begun to change me... I know what I want, I know how I got here, and I am doing all I can to hang onto what is dangling by a thread, my hopes and my prayers are still there 110% daily, I continue to wait and see what will become of the most preciuos thing in my life. BUT no matter what, I am so thankful for everything I have gone through, because I have never been more in love with Jesus. He is the lover of my soul, He is sufficient, He is everything I could ever need or want, He is filling all of the empty holes and gaps in my life, He is revealing my value and my worth... When I began to walk down the path back to my saviors loving arms, I needed Him to show me that I could trust Him, and He has done nothing but show me! I have learned that I can have COMPLETE trust in my Jesus, His word is true, He is faithful. Even in my darkest time, my heart overflows with joy because He is alive and moving and working in my life. I always want to be near Him. I want my life to reflect His unfailing grace and forgiveness. I am so thankful for those, you NEVER can understand the grace and forgiveness of Jesus until you are in the place where you absolutely need it. He has taken me out of the pit and has breathed life into me... and for this I am thankful.. May you understand the love of your father, may you be filled with joy, don't ever let fear of the unknown hold you back from reaching out and grabbing the loving hand that is reaching out for you. He is there.

May you rest in His love and in His peace...
giving God ALL of the glory,

Katy Hill

dont underestimate

2009-08-18T22:56:00.000-07:00

I have been absent from my blogspot for awhile now... I think just taking a break, soaking some things in, praying, focusing in on Jesus, listening, waiting, seeking... I wonder what He is going to do, God, I have learned is a God of the unexpected, and when we think we have drawn a conclusion, or have predicted the end; when we think that we know what we'll do, or have made a plan, HE changes it all. You see, we can think we have control over our own lives, and in someways we do, but I think that, for someone who has accepted Jesus into their hearts, well, He never leaves, we can ignore him, we can distance ourselves, we can be retarded, we can make some bad decisions, but He is still there, and sooner or later, he will start to knock on the door of our heart... He is subtle too, he isn't forceful, he is gentle and kind, and when we finally decide to open the door, He lets us fall into His loving arms... I have had these moments, where I think, "ok God, I have to make a plan, I know I dont want to live here for ever, I need to go back to school, I need to make sure I am ok, Im going to do what I need to do..." and I get this whole idea, and plan... I am learning, NEVER to rest in that. NEVER trust your own will. God can change your WHOLE entire life in a split second... thats something else I have been learning, I am not promised the next 5 minutes, how do I want to live my life?? a young boys life was taken in a second when he got hit by a car, who would have thought? it goes to show, life is short, our time shouldnt be wasted... I want God to have my whole heart, I want healing and wholeness, I want His will not mine, I want to trust completely and live for Him alone, doing my best to be pleasing to Him... my first love. This is a ramble and I tend to do that, just talk in circles... but I get what Im saying, right? this is my journal, my story. God's story.

from a heart who is waiting and seeking,
Katy Hill.

wearing your shoes

2009-06-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

The amount of things I am learning right now is so tremendous I feel I need to really stop and take a few moments to ponder and think them through. I read this book called the art of forgiveness; it was a really good book. It helped me understand where someone who has been hurt might be at and what they might be feeling. It allowed me to understand better the process of forgiveness and what forgiveness really means. Fist, God calls His people to forgive, to look at that person and come to a place where we forgive what they did and NOT who they are, it’s when we realize they are just a broken fellow struggler like we are. God calls us to also reconcile ourselves to that person, to get to a point where we wish good things upon them. Where we no longer have hate in our hearts towards that person. A person begins to travel the path of forgiveness when they are ready to be healed, because the forgiveness really benefits the person who was hurt. Of course forgiveness is a difficult thing for a broken human to do, it’s not easy, and there is more to it then I have shared, these are just the main things I have learned. The biggest thing that stood out to me is that forgiveness does not mean reunion. Yes, God calls us to forgive, to reconcile ourselves to that person, but he doesn’t call us reunite, to be with that person. This book was a harder book for me to read, I think because it was more of a reality check. I believe that God has all of the power to bring hope to a hopeless situation, that He can make possible something that seems impossible, but it takes two willing hearts, and with only one it won’t work. The reality is that reunion might not happen. It is hard to think, it is hard to realize and know, to see a bit of the bigger picture… but this is the truth. I have heard so many stories like mine who end in happy endings, but what are the chances, what are the odds?? So on what I am learning about forgiveness I will end with this quote from the book; “The power is our ability to imagine the future. The weakness is our inability to control the future. The answer to the problem of imagining a future we cannot control is hope.” Again, hope is all I am left with, and I will continue to cling to it, to persevere and be patient until the end when God’s glory reveals itself.

Perseverance is hard. I am being put to the true test of endurance, holding out, setting my eyes on the goal which is the Lord and running towards him. “Endurance: Constancy, perseverance, continuance, bearing up, steadfastness, holding out, patient endurance. It describes the capacity to continue to bear up under difficult circumstances, not with a passive complacency, but with a hopeful fortitude that actively resists weariness and defeat.” I read that quote and it was perfect for the Wednesday I was having. You know sometimes when the Lord calls you to a place of waiting, a place of wonder, a place of absolute no control where the only thing you have is to hope, it gets really hard. Wednesday was like this for me, and I love the rain but the rain only added to my dumpy mood. I guess when this happens and we become weary it is only a true glimpse into the heart. That I am not strong, I don’t have the power to wait, my flesh wants to slip back into the old dance… the only thing good or strong in me is Christ. He is why I can wait, He is why I can be patient. You know what I am beginning to learn through all of this unknown waiting? Who I am, what I am made of. I am learning that God loves me; I am His precious girl, His beloved. It is knowing how much God loves me that I can love myself. The more and more time I spend with God the more I realize how much He truly does love me. That to others I may look like another one gone sour, worthless, dirty and shamed but to God I am lovely, I am whole, I am forgiven, I am clean, I am beautiful, I have worth, I have purpose, I am His. I wonder maybe that is what will be revealed in this beautiful mess. Maybe my eyes are on the wrong outcome, maybe the outcome is to be more in love with God than ever before, to realize who I am in Christ and allow that to solidify me? Patience and waiting has become a thing of beauty. I wonder if I would have taken the easy way out, accepted the chatter of the world, where would I be? This road is not over, it may take years, but I will wait patiently. God is growing inside of me, and I am learning. Please continue to pray and don’t lose hope.

-K.

change

2009-06-01T20:38:00.000-07:00

My life is interesting right now. I am in a place of being willing to change and grow and as I actually take action steps, I am watching myself change... weird how that works huh? change is a challenge... we get so used to one thing, that when we change and take steps in a different direction it is uncomfortable, we immediately want to return to our "old" ways because it is comfortable, its familiar, we know how to do that... Well, I wont. I refuse, even when it gets hard I am relying on the Lord. That's the good thing about God, if we take a step in faith, to change, He is right there with us, we don't have to do it alone.. I used to be one of those people who thought, "this is the way I am, I cant change..." or even thinking the same things about others, its not true. change is possible. it takes a willing heart but it can be done. it isn't easy, that's for sure but it is possible. I'm doing it!

The hard part. I have learned that I am sticky. I need people, ok, I know we do need people, God didn't create us to live in this world alone, but I mean it an unhealthy amount of neediness... I am learning that I need to be ok with me, ok with being alone with me. Its weird where I am at in life right now, everything thing, and I mean EVERYTHING. that is comfortable and familiar has been ripped from my life, its just me now. well, me and God. This past weekend, I think I spoke maybe 5 words, and a couple of them were.."learn to drive!" that was to this retarded truck that almost crashed into me... anyway, it was weird. I got up, drove to Laguna beach, sat on the sand, read for a long while, drove back to my room, went swimming, read some more and eventually just went to sleep. a quiet weekend for sure. its definitely different for me. I'm used to people, all the time, talking, if I had a free second I spent it hanging out with someone.. I'm not used to quiet, to just being with me.
today was the same. I worked, thats been crazy too, tons of noise, and people, and then the moment I clocked out and got in my car... silence. went for a run, then a drive, drank a protein shake, showered and now here I am pondering my life and what I am learning. So I ran up my hill again... and walked down, and as I walked I was sure to look around... I think I miss life, I picked one of those blowing things, that you make a wish and blow all of the little white things off... I stopped to do that, I noticed a humming bird, some beautiful white flowers growing on these trees, leaves blowing in the wind and the way the suns light reflected off of the mountains, it was truly refreshing. I was listening to a song that was saying, "Take it all, just give me Jesus..." and it really hit my heart, everything is gone, and what I want to come back, well he might not, that's the reality of life. but I have to be content with God, He is enough. He is there, He does love me, I am His. take it all.
the next song said, "every season will find an end..." this was encouraging to me because, I really hope this season of heaviness, sadness, just an overall shoulders hung over season, will come to an end. It will, I wont feel like this forever.

I don't know, this is turning into a ramble... I am changing I am growing, I am seeking and slowly finding, I am still hopeful, I am still praying, I will fight, and I will not give up, its not over until it is over.

God is good, no matter what is happening, God is good, and He is enough.

still. and amazed.

2009-05-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

I just needed to post and say how amazingly beautiful God is. My heart is encountering His once more, and I am reminded of that loving feeling I get being in His presence, it is all consuming, peaceful, calm. I feel and see God's love the most when I am standing in awe of His creation. I got see a beautiful sunset today, back in Lake Elsinore, a place I thought I would never be again, yet, here I am stunned at the beauty it holds. There is something that feels like home in Elsinore, I don't know why, but it just does... The Lord is so good. There is nothing stable about my life right now, there is nothing really happy or grand, most days I struggle to keep a smile on my face and my head up.. the only thing in me that is keeping me on solid ground is God. He is always there, he hasn't left, He isn't running away, He loves me still, I am His precious girl. I feel that, now more then ever before. I understand a bit more of how unworthy I am of His love, how much I DON'T deserve it, and I see now more how much God wants to give me His love, how He longs to be close, to have my ear. He has it. I am walking and God is giving me hope, he has my attention and I will follow. I don't know what will happen in my situation but, I am committed to see how the Lord reveals himself, how it will all unwind... It will. I know it will, whether my wildest hopes and dreams are granted the way I hope they will be, or the Lord takes me somewhere different, I know his will is the best. I am trusting. I am waiting patiently on Him. He is steady, He is unfailing, He is solid, I can trust Him, He holds it all in His hands.

I will wait.

Psalm 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..."

wiener wax

2009-05-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

So, today was a day of lessons... as is my life at this point.

Let me begin this post by highlighting how brilliantly smart my husband is, today, I recalled him saying "hey, we really need to wax your car, the paint is getting oxidized..." and me thinking, ugh..OK, oxidized???
I never waxed my car...

So begins my story...

my beloved friend Jen and I thought it would be a glorious day to wash our cars, at the acclaimed "Pearl Wash"... I actually love this car wash it is excellent, five dollars for twelve minutes of sheer car washing glory, all sorts of soaps, spot free rinses, tire shine, engine cleaner, a sweet scrubbing brush, the power of the rinser and the WAX.. oh, the rainbow wax.. So I'm washing my car, and its time for the wax, so I squirt this bright pink wax all over my precious Honda, rinse it off, feeling good, thinking I'm going to have a sparkling car.... pull up to the vacuum area and notice that my car has large splotches of PINK all over it, like someone walked up and splashed slushie all over my car!!!!! and I'm trying to wipe it off with a towel and it ain't workin'... so Jen calls her hubby to ask what the problem could be... guess what he says... "sounds like the paint is oxidized and the wax was absorbed into the paint..." hahahhahahha... oh goodness, wives listen to the valuable wisdom of your husbands... : )

So later, myself and my wonderful friends had to go back over my entire car with some other wax to get the pink off... it made me think about my life...

I have made some mistakes, actually some pretty HUGE mistakes, like I splashed and stained pink slushie all over my life, and now I am in the place of going back and cleaning it all off, fixing my mistakes... I thought about that as I scrubbed all of the pink off my car.. and watching my friends as they were right there helping me along the way, helping me scrub, pointing out areas I missed and just lending me a hand.... I love how Jesus teaches me... He is so clever in that way that he takes the simplest of things and teaches a much larger lesson... Lord, you are good.

So, I continue to press on, cleaning off the slushie mess I have made, watching as the areas of my life get whiter and are looking even better then they were before! :)

<3
K.

chili pot post... enjoy

2009-05-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, This is the chili pot post, filled with all sorts of yummy things! I have to say THANK YOU!!! to The Hardnends for letting me stay in their lovely home, it is such a prayer answered and a HUGE blessing, and to the Jacksons for helping me move all of my stuff and letting me use their wonderfully squishy bed.. oh heaven! and the Bravenecs for the shelves and the amaazing lamp that lights my room!! It was a long weekend but my room is all set up! hahahaha... I can invite you over to my room and make you top ramen, or easy mac!!! :D You can see that I am ooober smart... see i have an electric kettle and i though "HARK" I can boil the water in my room and make the easy mac... it TOTALLY worked!! so, feast at my room soon!!!
I had to post the silly pictures of seana and I, she has become one of my very best friends, she has listened to me, hugged me, let me cry, encouraged me and pushed me to be faithful to the Lord as I wait, she has been one of my only family members who has really understood my heart, where I was and where I am at now and how badly I want reconciliation and restoration.. I love her SOOO much, and we have TONS of fun together, she is a true blessing...

I also had to post a picture of Meggers! she is my lil God smile at work, this girl has been there at 5am when I pull up to work balling my eyes out, she has prayed with me, and held hope in her hands for me, when I am lacking it... I love her so much, God is so good and is blessing me with so many wonderful solid new friends :D

hmm... Im excited! I want to become a resourceful woman. I think I frustrated Jeff a lot because I really didnt understand budgets, money, and separating our wants from our needs... being here and having to pay rent and manage my bills I feel is going to help teach me that, I am already feelin it! 20 dollar shirt isn't just 20 dollars its 1/3 of my cell phone bill!!
I want to learn to garden and sew!!! I want to make a quilt and sew my own skirt! Im gonna do it... you'll see!

There are so many things I want to do...
camp under the stars
go on a REAL hike
buy a bike
paint something good
make homemade chicken noodles soup
live somewhere rural ( i swear i want to live on a farm)
take a train somewhere far

I am making a list... Life is too short to waste, I never want to take people or things for granted again!

I learned that if you put bananas in a fridge they turn brown.. sad. Im trying to figure out the temprature setting on my retro fridge... my cream cheese froze!! hahahaha

I ran to Mc Vicker park yesterday up that large hill, it felt good, and i accidentally wacked this guy who i didnt know was running up behind me... OOOPS!!!

I see old couples everywhere now, I saw one in Wal-Mart, the hubby had tatoos and they were all wrinkled and he was precious and the old lady had a lil limp and white hair and they were just talkin and shoppin completely content and happy with eachother, and then he reached and grabbed her hand! it was amazing, I want that...

and last things last...
I read this in a devotional book im reading....
"Hope your wildest hopes, dream your maddest dreams, imagine your most fantastic fantasies. Where your hopes and your dreams and your imagination leave off, the love of my heavenly father only begins..."

Romans 15:13
"MAY THE GOD OF HOPE FILL YOU WITH ALL JOY AND PEACE AS YOU TRUST HIM, SO TAHT YOU MAY OVERFLOW WITH HOPE BY THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT."

God is so good, I can only see out my window of his HUGE plan... He CAN do ANYTHING... so, I will not loose hope... I just wont.

p.e.a.c.e.

2009-05-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

This has been a really crazy week for me, yet some how as the weekend comes to a close i am at peace. God is moving and working in my life, i am seeing how obidience in the difficult circumstances brings peace. He is the God of peace so really it makes sense that when we are walking in His will, we feel it. I feel it. Of course im not exactly where I wish I could be, I want to be with him, whatever he is doing i want to do it to. but, for now, i am here. ridding my life of things that are toxic, and gaining so much health along the way. God is amazing, he provides.. and when you think it is you doing it, or your good decisions getting you what you have, well, your wrong. its God, he is so mysterious. I am reminded that I only see life through a small hole in the fence, and God is in the big tree watching it all unfold.. he is shaping, moving, creating opportunities, changing, growing, loving, breaking, renewing, restoring, building, tearing down, and we dont even know it... He is so good and i am learning to trust Him more and more everyday... we will see what happens...

...

2009-05-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

I just had to post this, these are the lyrics to our wedding song... I remember a dear friend showed me this song and I just thought, I want that as our wedding song, our first dance.. It really isn't your typical wedding song, but oh how it is fitting for life... Isn't it weird how God works... Not that this song is a reflection of the actual outcome of my situation, but really it just amazes me! In any case it is a good way to look at love, and really loving a person... The song is on my play list if you want to hear it

<3

Loving a person, by: Sara Groves

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
That's the whole thing

Loving me just the way I am, it's no small thing
It takes some time, It takes some time,
It takes some time, It takes some time

"cherish lifes simple pleasures..."

2009-05-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

As I was washing my face and getting ready for bed, I read this quote on the shower curtain... "cherish lifes simple pleasures..." I know, strange for a shower curtain, but it got me thinking... Here I am in my bed, well I guess it still doesn't feel like "my" bed, there is something missing... but here I am, no make-up in one of my favorite sleeping shirts, one of the ones I stole... All I can think about is one simple pleasure, going to sleep with the person you love. no big deal right, I mean you do it every night... get ready for bed, turn down the covers, maybe share a few words about your day, then lights off, quick kiss, and then you fall asleep... something so simple... Im trying not to beat myself up all of the time, but I cant help it. Im realizing so much. There are so many things that I just want to do over. So many things I want to say. I went to lunch today with someone who has really been sharing a lot of wisdom, and is helping to guide me through this rough patch of life.. .it was a sweet and sour lunch for us both. We went to Islands... turns out, ourselves and our signicant others both really enjoyed going there, and there we were without them... His story is a beautiful one with a long life and marriage with his sweetheart who passed away almost a year ago... mine however is just a sad one, filled with not cherishing lifes simple pleasures...

Somedays I am stronger then others, someday I am filled with lots of hope as I move forward making changes, stepping in a Godward direction, and other days, like this one, I am just sad. Its like missing an arm or a leg, you really just are never the same without it, without him. This in no way should be taken as a pitty party post, I really dont mean for it to be that... just sharing my feelings and thoughts...
tomorrow is new, oh God, what will you have for me... I know there will be some really tough things coming up for me in the couple of weeks, please keep me in your prayers, pray that God gives me wisdom and strength to become independent and take steps towards health in many areas of my life...

Be grateful for the simple pleasure of going to bed in a warm bed with that precious gift that lays next to you...

good night
K.

crazy creep

2009-05-15T19:33:00.000-07:00

Its been interesting, in "the book" that I have been learning such valued information, there are letters from wives who have lost their husbands, and every single one of those letters the women are pretty much begging and pleading with those sickly faced nagging wives, to relax! cherish their husbands love them and serve them...
I feel like I have become one of those ladies... I went with some friends today on a shampoo day! (SO FUN) but while we were in the car the other girl, I didnt know her well, was talking about how her and her man were going on a trip to vegas, she was saying how the drive would be SO long, and its SO hot there, and HIS family etc... I was just like, Hey! can I tell you something?

I told her that she has 4 amazing hours in the car with her man, to talk, laugh, sing with, be silly with, make memories with. she gets to go to vegas with him, to mealt TOGETHER in the heat. She gets to meet his family, regardless of what she has heard about them, she can make the absolute best of the situation, and no matter what she GETS to be with her man! I told her, dont ever take him for granted, dont complain over things that are so small, she is so lucky, I would give anything to be stuck in a car with him for 4 hours! I would give anything to do anything with him... or I went to dinner with a friend last night and her husband texted her asking her when she would be home, I was like, you can go now if you need... does he need anything while your out??? hhahahah im like a "treat your man good creep"... but really im seeing it now. its a reality for me. life is too short to live it away from the ONE that you love, its too short to take stupid miniscule things for granted, to get upset over small things, to not find joy in serving your man... its just TOO short...
another thing I have been learning is praying for our husbands, I mean im sure you do, but daily? how about multiple times a day? In "the book" she says that when ever she is at a red light, EVERY red light, she says a small prayer for her husband... think of something everyday that when it occurs you stop and pray for your man... when your making a meal, when you check the mail, when your going to the bathroom... hahah thats mine!!! : ) (it would be right?)

another note, you guys are right, I wouldnt have listen had I heard all of this before, I went into marriage thinking I had a pretty good idea of what it would be like, ummm...NO. It makes me realize I need to become more teachable in ALL circumstances of life...

so, keep praying, keep loving your man, appreciate him, encourage him and support him, "help meet his needs..."

learning and growing,
Katy

surrendering your autonomy to another is not for WIMPS.

2009-05-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

"Reverence is more than just doing what a man expects or demands. It is an act of the woman's will to treat him with a high degree of regard and awe."

Reverence- 1. a feeling or attitude of deep respect tinged with awe; veneration.
2. the outward manifestation of this feeling: to pay reverence.
3. a gesture indicative of deep respect; an obeisance, bow, or curtsy.

you know, I'm pretty sure the word "reverence" was in our marriage ceremony, I'm going to have to go back and look that up... just like the word submissive was in there too, I'm sure...
I watched our wedding video a few weeks ago, I remember the part where pastor Glen is giving us some vital information about marriage, what it is, what it means, and we are standing up there, googling at each other, smiling nervous excited smiles, mumbling things under our breath.. totally not paying attention to what he was saying. truth is, even if I was really listening that day, I didn't know what those words meant at all! I am just barely learning what they are now. oh reverence, it is an outward act of the heart, and if your heart is not there... your man, he will know.
Mrs. Pearl says this... "Reverence is not just how you act; it is how you feel and how you respond with words and with your body language. it is not enough to get up and serve him; your eyes and the quick, carefree swing of your body must indicate your delight to be engaged in serving your man. You cannot fool a man. He can see your heart as well or better than you can!!!!!"

I was definitely going against the grain in my marriage... like, "if you do this, I'll do that"... conditional. My heart is being changed, God is teaching me what being a wife really means, how many times did I shoot him down, discourage his giftings, walk on him, take him for granted, disrespect him, did not show him reverence...
really though, how can you really if you don't know? I wish someone would have taught me these things before, going through all of this makes me want to be a pre-marital counselor for young women! hahaha...

I was starting to believe the worlds standards of marriage and of women's role in marriage. "we deserve respect, we have a say, we can lead, we have a voice, we can make decisions...etc..." I'm sorry, people, LADIES.. .its just not God's design.. we are help meets... created to help meet his needs. of course God has a design for the way our husbands should love us, but I'm workin on me...

"Our failure to know and believe the written words of God has caused us to accept a cultural lie."

I have been told I was neglected, I was walked on, I was taken advantage of, I was the one lonely and not treasured... I'm beginning to see how me not living and walking in the role that God designed me to walk in, how that caused MANY problems for us... I see how my upbringing with an independent single mom has shaped a lot of my views and distance from the word "submission"...
God can change this, he is so good, he is so faithful! He has a plan for me.. he is changing my heart, helping me see, taking me through this every step of the way, and no matter what the outcome (though, we all know what I'm praying for) I will come out stronger, and maybe a pinch wiser...

treasure your husbands, build them up, help them to become the man that God has designed and created them to be. go out of your way for them... go give him a great BIG wet one!!

maybe I'm just the tard that never knew all of this, in that case... what the heck! why didn't any of you speak up!!

<3
K.

this little bug

2009-05-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

another hard one, I'm begining to think that they don't get any easier... I went to the beach today, by myself just to sit and read my books, get out of this little town and sit before God's creation. The ocean is so big, I really love being there its untainted, raw... you get what you get. Well, I dont think my choice of beach was very good, too many memories. and couples... oh the couples! they are EVERYWHERE... holding hands, gazing at each other... makes me sad. so I sat, read more of Debi Pearl, learned more about the kind of wife I desire to be, but then I start to feel hopesless again, the enemy comes in feeds me lies and the sinking in my heart feels like a million pounds. Good thing I had my huge white sun glasses on... I probably looked like a mental case sitting in full clothing on the beach, with books spread out before me, bawling. goodness me.
well, I was feeling pretty terrible, then this little lady bug flew onto my wedding ring... my whole entire life I have always known that when you get the chance to pick up a lady bug, hold it in your hand make a wish and let it fly away, if it flies your wish will come true... so I looked at the little lady bug, chuckled, closed my eyes, made my wish and it flew away... ok people, so the rest of my life is riding on a lady bug!
not so much...
but.
God reminded me of my scripture for this week in my patience book... Romans 12:11-12 "Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer..."

I guess im seeing more of that microwave fast mentality I have.. oh big daddy grandfather clock... Today I barely got by... tomorrow is new. Im learning and growing and waiting on the Lord.

learning. im a jerk

2009-05-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

Dissolution- "the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership..."

This word breaks my heart. it shouldn't be H vs. H... I look at that and it makes my stomach sick. I hear the word and tears start to well up. I find myself asking God, please just stop it, make it go away, fix it... begging.

"In time you will see it as such a blessing (this time of patience) that if you had your whole life to live over again, you would not leave this painful season out."

as hard as things are right now, I wouldn't leave this part out, maybe I would go back and take back what I did, but this painful waiting, being patient, walking by faith and not by sight, I wouldn't leave it out. I have learned and am, and will continue to learn SO much. I am learning about the kind of husband I have and what kind of wife he needs, seeing all of the areas I really sucked at, knowing that besides the one action that got me here, all of the many other things I did that were way off.

I'm learning there are three types of men God has made, and our men have a little of all three but are more dominate in just one... There is the Commander, the Visionary and the Steady man, you see, I was blessed with a steady man, in my opinion they are the best! They are hard workers, easy going, strong, dedicated and really only want to please their wives... They can be indecisive,very gentle and can lack the ability to have deep conversations... I see how he had some of these and how they drove me NUTS.
For example; lets say we needed a new coffee pot, I would go to the store, pick one out that would look good on the counter do what I need and bam! new coffee pot, he, however, would go to 3 different stores, compare prices, how much coffee will fit in one, the temperature range, visit the stores maybe twice before making his final purchase... I would always get irritated with that, now a coffee pot might be an exaggerated example, but you get my drift. I didn't realize that his indecisiveness is actually cautious wisdom... what a blessing to have a man that will consider our finances before making purchases, who will really look and decide if it is a need or a want... I wish I wouldn't have taken that for granted, I wish I would've started to appreciate that, and encourage him to walk in that... how amazing would it be to watch that mature and develop over time...

or his emotions... I always felt like i was "hurting" his feelings... I would say or do things that would really truly hurt his feelings, well to me it wasn't something worth getting your feelings hurt over so I would constantly ride it off, disregard his feelings... how sad. I feel awful for that, those were my husbands feelings, and regardless of what I think of them, if they are legit or not, they are his and I was hurting them. I wish i could go back and apologise for all of the times I disregarded his feelings.

I'm learning that God made the man to be in control for a reason! Debi Pearl puts it good when she says this... "If women were the inventors, they would make minivans..." This is so true, women, or ME, I make decisions based on my feelings and emotions, and we all know feelings and emotions are SO fleeting, here one minute gone the next.... God made men to be logical, so that they could lead their wives and their families.. its not women's job to do, it wasn't MY job. even if they make mistakes, LET them... and dont beat them down when they do, support encourage and love unconditionally no matter what.

I'm seeing that I always wanted things MY way... I always knew a better way of doing things, a faster more efficient way to "get it done"... no wonder he felt frustrated and belittled... he could never do it right. I am learning I was a wretch of a wife. Who cares that he wants to leave his coffee cup upside down on the counter and rarely wash it!! let him, its NOT A BIG DEAL. I got so upset over little things, things that don't matter. I was so selfish. I didn't want to go do certain things because I didn't like to do that or that was "his" thing... I can go on a bike ride, i can go camping, i can go take a mini hike in the hills... Now I would give ANYTHING to do those things, because its time spent with the man that I love... its not about me.

I know this is very transparent, like I said, I'm using this as a thought journal to track what I'm learning, it actually helps my hands because they cramp really bad when i write... so that's good.
I dont know what God will do, I'm waiting and praying asking him to give me another chance, Its like God is turning on the wife light in my head "ding!" but it might be too late. I'm still hopeful still praying, God can do anything in 6 months!

if you havent read this book "Created to be his help meet" by Debi Pearl, go to Barnes and noble right now and get it. it is amazing. she is harsh and true and totally on target.

Please keep him in your prayers, God is so big and can do anything! please pray.

Black Hole

2009-05-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

Today is hard day, like most. Somedays I am filled with so much hope and faith, that I can take all of the rejection and harsh words and look at them as things that are coming out of hurt and anger, I can forgive them as they are spoken. Other days, like today, are just plain old hard. God opened my eyes more this morning to see more of his hurt... I feel so awful, I feel like I should be locked away in a cave from the world. I hurt God's son, his little boy, I broke his heart, destroyed his trust, and have caused so much pain in his life. I did that. I began to pray and just ask God to forgive me for hurting his child. Today is the kind of day where I feel like the biggest pile of dog crap. I would do anything, give anything to go back and change it, take it back. I know I cant. I know this is not a nightmare. I know these are reprocussions of my action. Im trying to have hope, to have patience, to have faith like a mustardseed, but its hard. This is one of the days where I am not the perfect picture of patience. Its a day where I feel like maybe the outcome im dreding will not come, well, maybe it will... maybe there is no hope. God reminds me that I committed, just like Noah, just like Hannah how they waited on the Lord, and I am still committed, but today my walk is with my head down and my shoulders slumped over. Its just a sad day, just a plain old sad day.

hope for the hopeless

2009-05-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

This is a story I read from crosswalk.com this morning, it really encouraged me, it's sort of long but worth the read!

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. Ruth Bell Graham

Ever since she was a little girl, Tracey had dreamed of this day. And now it was finally here! Her dress . . . a long classic-style princess dress of beautiful white silk . . . and she was marrying her prince––her best friend, Mark. All that was missing were the horses and carriage. She couldn’t imagine anything more wonderful than this treasured day!

Since they both loved the ocean, and her groom was an avid windsurfer, their wedding reception overlooked Key Biscayne’s beautiful beach and featured lots of conch shells and white orchids. For their first dance, they affectionately embraced as they slowly swayed to the lyrics, “When I give my heart, it will be forever . . .” Oh, how wonderful to be Mrs. Mark Russell!

Tracey was still shaking rice from her hair and veil as they drove away from their picture-perfect wedding when she playfully turned toward the driver’s seat with a beaming smile for her new husband; she caught the vestiges of a bewildered expression on his face before he turned his attention back to the road.

Mark hadn’t returned her smile, and as she watched him covertly for the next several minutes, she sensed that something wasn’t right. It must be newlywed jitters, she thought, and inwardly shook her head.

She and Mark had met at their church youth group in ninth grade. Mark had immediately liked her, but they didn’t officially start dating until they were seniors in high school. After going separate ways to attend college, they were drawn back together after Mark graduated with a degree in engineering.

Though Tracey had experienced many good and bad relationships before, out of all the other relationships she had experienced, Mark was exactly the kind of man she had hoped to marry. She knew there are always some ups and downs in a marriage, but she had expected theirs to be full of intimacy and passion. Their honeymoon turned out to be a far cry from her expectation. Instead, Tracey felt like she was trapped in a room with a total stranger their first night together. She couldn’t believe it when he sat down on the opposite couch instead of cozying up to her like he normally did.

Tracey’s wedding night was one of the loneliest of her life. As Mark pulled away from her in bed, she mentally searched the events of the day to see if she could have said or done something to offend her new groom. But nothing came to mind. She finally fell asleep with the thought, He’s probably just exhausted from the wedding and will be back to himself in the morning.

The next morning, the awkward silence of the night before continued to build as she and Mark packed to leave their hotel suite for their long-anticipated Caribbean cruise. On ship, in their cabin suite, Tracey finally mustered enough courage to ask, “Honey, what’s wrong?”

Mark’s long pause before replying didn’t prepare her to hear, “Tracey, I don’t think we should have gotten married.”

“What?” Tracey said instinctively. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe. The walls of the cabin seemed to be closing in on her.

“I think we made a mistake,” Mark said matter-of-factly.

Tracey couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Was this just his idea of a poorly timed joke?! Feeling like a freight train had just run over her heart, Tracey couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. She ran outside to the ship’s deck and grasped the rail. In two short, thoughtless sentences, her prince had shattered her dreams.

She turned her head to the right and to the left and saw happy couples everywhere. Nowhere to run . . . After a long time, she returned to the cabin, not wanting to face Mark. He offered her an apology: “Tracey, I’m sorry you feel like that.” But instead of fondly caressing her and reassuring her, he picked up a book and started reading as if nothing had happened, making it clear that he didn’t want to be interrupted. In one day, her romantic dream of a lifetime had turned into her worst nightmare.

By day, they dutifully masqueraded as loving honeymooners, publicly kissing and holding hands. Everyone congratulated them, thinking they were the perfect newlyweds struck by the love bug. But in the privacy of their cabin, it was anything but the “Love Boat.” Instead of enjoying each other at night, Tracey experienced a cold Artic air between them. She was actually relieved when the farce of their honeymoon was finally over.

Although she definitely had grounds to annul the marriage, Tracey wasn’t a quitter. She took seriously her vows recited in front of God and their 250 family members and friends. She had made a lifetime commitment to Mark. Maybe if she just did everything right, her prince charming would return to rescue her and love her forever. Then they could finally start the happily-ever-after part.

After they returned home from their cruise and tried to settle in, nothing seemed to improve, despite the sacrifices Tracey made. The wall between them continued to grow. Three months later, when Tracey had started to think about annulment, she discovered that she was pregnant. It should have been a joyful moment celebrated together. Instead, the news was another shattered dream. Knowing that the Russells’ marriage hung by a thread, some of her family and friends verbally expressed that the timing of the pregnancy couldn’t be worse. But Tracey stayed optimistic and prayed that God would use their child to bring them back together.

When their son, Chase, was born, the tension and emotional abuse only escalated. If possible, Mark resented Tracey even more. On the day that Tracey and baby Chase were discharged from the hospital, Mark chose work over coming home from the hospital with them. Now Tracey was alone not only as a wife, but also as a first-time mom. Mark’s rejection of their son hurt Tracey even more than his continual shunning of her affections.

They had both grown up in church but Mark had drifted away from God during their marital problems. In desperation, Tracey finally turned to a Christian counselor for advice. After hearing her nightmare story, the counselor commented, “Tracey, Mark will always be like a black mark on your wedding dress. You can try scrubbing it, but you’ll never get rid of it.” Tracey walked out of that session feeling hopeless.

On Valentine’s Day, Mark confessed to more devastating secrets. It was the last straw for Tracey. Totally numb, she asked her husband to pack his bags.

During their separation, Mark finally snapped out of his selfishness and began to realize what he was about to lose. He tried apologizing and attempted to reach out to Tracey and Chase. But Tracey’s wounds from his emotional neglect were too deep, and she no longer cared, and even doubted his sincerity. A bitter thought floated through her mind: Too little too late . . . After two years of heartbreak, he had finally “convinced” her that their marriage was beyond reconciliation, and she filed for divorce.

Ironically, it was at this point that Mark turned back to God and began to want their marriage, while Tracey had given up.

After the divorce, Tracey continued to believe that nothing could restore her broken heart. She blamed Mark for having the power to ruin her happiness. She further imprisoned herself by becoming a victim of bitterness and anger.

Because of their baby, they had been forced to see each other during weekend drop-offs. About eight months after their divorce, Mark stopped by to write a check to Tracey for child support. When he opened his wallet, Tracey noticed that he was still carrying their wedding picture. Just seeing herself in that white dress instantly brought back the memory of all her tarnished dreams. She vividly remembered the permanent black spot, and spat out, “Why in the world are you keeping that stupid picture?”

“Tracey, you have every right to hate me,” Mark responded, “but I’m still praying that God will give me a second chance with you and Chase. I’m going to Washington, DC, with some men from my church, for the Promise Keepers rally,” he said.

“That’s ironic,” she replied, “since you’re definitely very skilled at promise breaking.” She added, “You can just forget any chance of us ever getting back together, because I’ll never trust you again.”

The next day, as Tracey drove out of town for a wedding, she ended up listening to some praise music on the radio. After the music, a speaker talked about bitterness and repentance. It was exactly what she needed to hear. The speaker shared from the Bible about how the church in Ephesus turned their back on their first love (see Rev. 2:1-4).

Tracey had never before heard the Lord described as her first love, and in that moment, she realized that she had turned her back on God, because she was hurt and angry that He hadn’t saved her marriage. Right there in the car, she asked God to forgive her for forgetting Him and harboring bitterness toward Him and toward Mark.

After she repented, the radio station host announced that the broadcast was coming live from the Promise Keepers rally in Washington, DC. Was it just a coincidence that she and Mark were listening to the same speaker at the same time, hundreds of miles apart?

Tracey started listening intently as the speaker’s words shifted to repentance for marital sins. He asked each man to get out a picture of his wife or family and hold it up.

She envisioned Mark holding up the picture she had seen in his wallet the night before. The speaker prayed for miraculous restoration of families. He reinstated the men as the servant leaders and protectors of their families.

Tracey listened as thousands of men corporately begged God to forgive them for the sins they had committed against their wives and children. Slowly, her emotional barricade started to come down.

That night, Mark called his ex-wife from a friend’s house in Washington. “Tracey,” he said, “I’ve never understood why I kept our wedding picture until now. We need to talk when I get back.”

The next evening, Mark came straight from the airport to his former house and got down on his knees by her bedside as he confessed, “Tracey, I’ve done this all wrong. I’ve been so selfish. I want to be the godly husband you deserve and a godly father to our son.”

As the tears streamed down his face, he said, “Don’t trust me, but trust Christ in me.”

That night was the start of a miraculous reconciliation. Six weeks after Promise Keepers, Tracey and Mark were remarried. This time there was no glitz or fanfare. They called Tracey’s uncle, who had married them the first time and they had to scramble just to get their marriage license. They drove straight from the courthouse to Tracey’s uncle’s home to perform the ceremony.

Dressed in shorts and casual attire, wearing flip-flops, they picked up the plastic flowers from the coffee table for a makeshift bouquet before they repeated their vows. Only the presence of God mattered. They knew that He was giving them a second chance and reuniting their lives forever for a greater purpose.

A few weeks after their remarriage, Tracey was listening to the radio while driving. The story being told immediately captured her attention. It was about an heirloom handkerchief that had been spoiled by a black stain. The stain had ruined the pristine white hanky, devastating the owner. She was so distraught that she took her hanky to a skillful artist who literally transformed the spotted hanky into a cherished masterpiece. When she died, that handkerchief was the most prized possession of her entire estate.

As Tracey listened, she couldn’t help but think of the permanent black spot on her wedding dress. “God, I know that my hearing this was a message and confirmation from You. I’m giving You my black spot. Could You please make something beautiful out of the disappointment and mistakes of our first marriage?”

Over time, Tracey’s worst nightmare of that permanent black spot became a beautiful picture of the power of God’s amazing redemption. Today the Russells are a blessed family of six. As they share their testimony at churches and retreats, other couples continually tell how Tracey and Mark’s story gives them hope that they, too, can trust God to restore their troubled marriages.

I first met my friend Tracey Russell at a retreat after she shared part of her testimony. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Seeing the depth of their love today, it’s hard to believe that Tracey and Mark ever experienced such a dark season in their marriage. Every day, Tracey thanks God for the good and perfect gift of her husband, Mark, and their children, Chase, Holt, Trey and Faith. Their family testifies to the power of God’s love that goes much deeper than romance. They know that only God gives them the power to truly love for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, till death they do part.

Love Note

Every day offers a chance to choose anger or understanding, bitterness or acceptance, darkness or light. And the choices we make reveal the stuff we’re made of. ––Robin McGraw

he never leaves

2009-05-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

Last night was a very very hard night for me. I feel like God is really testing me.. in the moments im feeling so hopeful, something happens and its like the enemy would love to see my hope squashed and is hoping that I will lose my hope and give up. I was woken up last night, and took some pretty "low blows" for lack of better words... I was just feeling crushed, broken, lost, hopeless and sad. I cried as I fell back asleep and had dreams of what I wish my life was... This morning I wasn't feeling like doing much of anything, almost like a depressed state of mind. but I got up and got in my car to go take care of granny.. this song started to play as I was driving...

"It's the sweetest thing
to trust you
just to know
You got everything under control

high up on a rock
looking out at the horizon
watching as the storm rolls in
wondering if my heart will survive it

as the waves crash all around me
and can't remember what it feels like to be free

You say, I've got you my baby
I've got you
it's quite the mess you're in
but it's nothing Love can't fix

so sit here upon my shoulders
and watch as it all unwinds

You are making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be shaken

i know You're making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be moved"

Of course I began to blubber like a baby, but I felt a smidge of joy start to creep back into my heart, and I began to pray, for him for me for us for God's will for his patience, for trust. Then after I finished tending to granny, I sat down to start week 2 in my "patience" discipleship book... oh goodness... I read this..
"Those who endure hurt with patience are behaving like Christ. Not only is their pain noticed by God but he walks with them through every step of the suffering.".... "God is there! Your affliction has meaning your pain is understood. The God of the universe aches to see your patient suffering and bombard you with such blessings."

God is here! He is so with me, through this whole entire mess that I have created he is not giving up on me. He is putting fire back in my heart, he is helping me as I am patient and trying my best to show him unconditional love no matter what words are spoken, no matter what actions are taken, when I love my husband I am honoring God. God hasn't left me. Please be encouraged, if anyone is going through something hard, or you feel like there is no hope for a person or a situation, know that God is so BIG, he can do all things! I dont know what the outcome will be for my situation, but I am committed to long term patience, waiting, watching as God's master plan reveals itself.

Please keep praying, for broken hearts to be restored, for healing to occur for reconsiliation to happen, and please please pray against the enemies LIES. that we would not fall for them.

the zapper

2009-05-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

In my quest to learn how to be a better wife, in hopes of winning my husband back and being able to be a better wife for him, I am learning a lot.
"When he first fell in love with you, you were a sweet little thing, full of laughter and fun. from the very bottom of your soul you were thrilled with him. Every day you woke up planning some activity that involved you both. Is he still married to the same sweet little thing, or have you become a long faced, sickly complainer..." Debi Pearl "Created to be his help meet"

I read that and thought... ER... Dang it! I'm realizing I really dropped the ball on A LOT of things in my marriage, as a wife. you see I'm learning that its all about having a merry heart, being joyful. She talks about men being attracted to a woman's smile, we smile because we are full of joy and happiness, we don't when we're not. I think when I got married I felt like I had to morph into super wife, cooking, cleaning, laundry, working, organization, planning etc... it was all things to do... and I did them from a heart of just doing.. you know what I mean? its like I lost myself, my playful, quirky, funny, easy going self. The girl who laughs just to laugh, who does retarded dances just to do them, who is for the most part full of joy and life. No wonder he was unhappy. I became a needy nagger. Now this is me being vulnerable, and becoming really transparent.. but its the truth.

its like a bug zapper. bugs are attracted to the light so they see it and they go straight to it... granted they get zapped and die... but its the attracted part I'm trying to focus on, when our husbands have wives that are joyful, happy and smile, they want to be around them, they work all day and are happy to come home for what waits for them...
and this joy, this happiness God gives it to us as we are obedient to his word, his word that says we are to serve our husbands, to be their helper, to be their supporter their encourager, to allow them to lead us, to be their number 1 fan... when we walk in God's will for us as wives, and we are obedient to follow him, we will receive nothing but joy because we are in God's will.
This is the kind of wife I want to be. If God gives me a chance to become my husbands wife again, for real, I cant wait to practice these things I am learning.

I'm seeing that you have to choose everyday to be the kind of wife your husband needs, the kind of wife God wants you to be for your husband. It doesn't just happen you have to choose it daily. oh, how badly I am praying for another chance...

I am learning, I am growing ,and I continue to wait on Him who knows all things, and will work out his plan the way he chooses to do so. Please keep praying, God can do anything! He can make the most impossible situations possible!

will you wait?

2009-05-06T08:52:00.000-07:00

"To do anything great is a matter of waking each morning and learning to bless the timetable of God. Patience is that inner peace that comes from agreeing that God, who has all the time in the world, cannot be hurried. Working on God's good time and enjoying God while you labor are the keys to patience." Patience by, Calvin Miller.

Two things God has brought into my life to be consistent themes... #1. Patience. I am realizing that patience is not something that we just learn how to do, you cant just try really hard to be patient, because I honestly think that patience goes against our fleshy humanly nature, just like the other fruit of the spirit... I mean we can "try" to be patient... but its just not how it works. "Patience is a gift of the Holy Spirit... Patience is a direct result of God's Spirit in us." The closer I get to God, the more I let the Holy Spirit consume and have my life completely, patience will be a natural overflow of what is happening inside.
BUT it is hard.
(oh, by the way, I am reading this book for discipleship... so I will refer to in often)
At the end of every chapter there is a character story where someone from the Bible had to go through being patient. This week it was Noah. Oh, Noah...
God came to Noah and told him what he was going to do, (flooding the earth) then gave Noah his instructions to build this massive boat, gather all this food, animals in twos etc... So I'm reading this thinking, yeah OK, that's a pretty crazy plan, but you do it and regardless of what people say, or how people thought Noah was crazy you trust God and push through and build the boat and get it done... So, I'm thinking about my own life and how right now God is asking me to be patient, that his timing is not mine, that I need to press on with the things that I am doing, that I need to keep my hope and no matter what other people say to me, even though they may be people who care about me and love me, no matter what i need to keep going, trusting God until the end, until His will is revealed.

OK.

So, I'm like OK, sweet this is so encouraging, Noah totally went through this, he built the boat, he was obedient to God he disregarded the doubts and "chatter" of others... then I read this... "The boat would be done when God said so, and each day for 120 years, Noah focused on God's ultimate finished product." UM.... excuse me? it took 120 years for the boat to be finished. you mean to tell me, for 120 years, YEARS, Noah was faithful to do God's will and WAIT for God's timing... for this crazy plan to reveal itself....
that pretty much took me back. God then really began to ask me the hard questions... Katy, can you wait? what I am doing is going to take longer the 2 months.. can you wait? Will you be faithful and obedient to me? will you continue to fight and push through, trusting that I am a God of restoration and healing? can you wait?

oh, man. God is taking me through the rough waters right now. I have been pretty much ripped from the people who were most dear to my heart, and now all I really truly have is God. So, I am trying, everyday learning to trust God, learning to wait on him, allowing the Holy Spirit to come and take over more and more.

"In the meantime (Noah) dabbed the tar, sawed the timbers, and looked to heaven..."

Theme #2...For me, my meantime is to learn how to be a Godly wife. To really look at my role, what it means, what it is, why God created women to be mans wife. and to TRUST that God will do His will, in His time, the way He wants... Yes, God, I will wait. I may not always be the perfect picture of patience, but I'm in it... here we go.

Praying for patience and restored hope, daily.

L.O.V.E.

2007-06-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

So some pretty strange and unfamiliar things are happening in my life, and it has caused me to really ask myself what it means to genuinely Love. What is love, what does it mean to love someone, I mean we say it all the time to people, so freely without a care in the world that we love them, but what does that word, that small four letter word really contain. So I have been seeking God asking Him to show me what it means to love some one. The Bible talks about love so much, its all over the place. Love. Love. Romans 13:8 "Owe noe one anything, except to love eachoter, for one who loves another has fulfilled the law." God tells us that we need to love eachother. That is His greatest commandment. So, then you have the greatest love verse of all... 1Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast, it is not arroagant or rude. It does not insist on its own way it isnot irrational or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong doing but rejoices with truth. Love bears all things believes all things hopes all things and endures all things." So is this love? Is this what it means to love, to be patient and kind... Im still learning through it, seeking and searching God to know what it means to love.

If I am going to love someone I want to know how.